


Come & See Me [2 A.M. Again]

by softkilluas99



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Booty Calls, Boys In Love, Drug Dealing, Drug Use, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, NSFW, Non-binary character, Physical Abuse, Romance, Smut, Suicidal Ideation, Trans Character, Transphobia, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2018-11-07 02:28:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 39,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11049414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softkilluas99/pseuds/softkilluas99
Summary: A bad boy with a heart of gold. The sunshine kid in a varsity jacket. Their high school experience couldn’t be more different from the other’s. Gon's a simple kid with big dreams and an even bigger smile. Killua just wants to lie low and make it through his last year. He deals drugs for quick cash in order to escape his abusive household with his little sister in tow. The last thing on Killua’s mind is a whirlwind romance, football games, or Prom, but an accidental meeting throws the two into orbit and they collide. "A few weeks into junior year he was a blip on my radar, but it wasn't until senior year that he became my satellite." Modern Day High School AU. Submitted for the Hunter x Hunter Big Bang 2017!





	1. Chapter 1

HEY, EVERYONE. Quick note: This is my Big Bang submission on tumblr, it's a multi-chapter Killugon HS AU that I have been having so much fun writing! I hope everyone enjoys this story, it's very different from what I've written before. Content Warning: This is a very dark/angsty AU and some things are gonna get worse before they get better. Please leave comments and kudos to let me know what you think! This will be posted once a week, I hope you stick around for the ride. Here we go...

* * *

 

 **Chapter 1:** _“Ain't nothing in this world for free_

_ No, I can't slow down _

_ I can't hold back _

_ Though you know I wish I could _

_ Oh, no, there ain't no rest for the wicked _

_ Until we close our eyes for good” _

_ Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked- Cage the Elephant _

* * *

 

“Alluka!” 

My knuckles rap in a familiar pattern against my little sister’s door. It’s our secret code, a way to say  _ it’s safe enough to open the door.  _

“Wake up, little sister! It’s time for school, come on, get up!” My voice is loud and insistent. I open her door this time and rapidly flick her bedroom light on and off so much that it annoys her. Long, brown hair bursts out from an all pink comforter and flips pillows in its wake.

“I’m up! God!” Alluka groans the way she does every single morning, blue eyes still thick with sleep, squinting at the brightness and nose pinching up in displeasure. I have to control the urge to laugh at the picture in front of me and almost feel bad; our waking up earlier than usual is due to my needing to run a few errands before getting to school.

“Hurry, I’ll make a quick breakfast. We have to head to Moogs’ place early. Me and Meruem have some stuff to take care of before school starts.”

“Okay...” she grumbles, but I don’t believe her. If I don’t come back within five minutes my sweet baby sister, who is not a morning person, whatsoever,will fall back asleep and miss a day of classes. 

Heading back upstairs, I turn on the lights throughout the dim hall and staircase to further annoy her. My footsteps are quiet against the carpet-covered steps, knowing fully well which ones creak and avoiding them entirely.

Hesitating on the last step, my ears perk listening for any sound throughout the house and continue moving forward  _ only  _ after hearing none.  _ Everyone’s at work already. _ .. _ Good _ .

Making my way into the kitchen, I purposely slam cabinets shut and bang together pots and pans in the cupboard to create as much racket as possible, hoping to pull Alluka from her bed. 

_ Okay, so oil this shit… Turn this little knob on.. Okay, good. Fuck yeah, I’m a goddamn chef!  _

Chancing a glance at my phone for the time, I decide to give my baby sister a few more minutes while breakfast is being put together: pancakes and scrambled eggs with lots of cheese.

The pitter patter of feet smacking against tile is loud against the quiet house around me. The eggs are sizzling lowly in the pan when I sprinkle more cheese on, and a voice reaches me that makes goosebumps break out along my skin.

“Killu, you’re making breakfast for me, little brother?” a hoarse voice chortles. 

My hand locks tighter around the pan in front of me.  _ Fuck, I thought he was gone! _

“Milluki.” My throat feels dry, I compulsively swallow and my teeth gnash together. “I thought you were at work with Father already.”

“I was allowed a late start today.” My older brother makes his way closer, opening cabinets beside me to reach for plates and silverware. Without preamble, he scoops up the pancakes I managed to make and all of the eggs for Alluka. 

One word and I could make him stop. 

But, one word and I could make it worse.

Part of me desperately hoped Alluka would stay in her room this morning, it was my mistake to assume the house was empty and put her in an unsafe situation. 

My hopes are dashed as a melodic voice flows down from the hallway seconds later, calling my name. Small feet pound against the tile rising in volume until my little sister is standing in the entryway. Her cheeks are flushed and a smile graces her features before catching the look on my face and losing it altogether.

“Oi! I-is that a dress, Alluka?! What kind of guy wears pink dresses!” Milluki starts as he sits down at the bar top across from us. “You should be glad mother isn’t around to see her son cross-dressing!” He laughs, short, black bangs falling into his face.  _ He enjoys this, the sadistic son of a bitch. He enjoys the way he makes Alluka feel like less than a person. _

My little sister cowers in her corner, head down and long hair falling over her face. Anger bubbles up inside of me, hating the image of my sister looking so timid, so quiet and weak against this utter piece of shit. Knowing even  _ I _ was powerless against it.

Milluki was still laughing as he filled his face, the breakfast made especially for my little sister going straight down his throat. 

“Milluki!” My voice was louder in volume than intended to be, being spurred on by pure anger and resentment. Lately, it was becoming more difficult to stop myself from these outbursts.

My older brother quiets, black eyes narrow and a wicked smile forms across his fat face. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end, my next move had to be considered carefully. 

“Breakfast is gone. These were the last of the eggs,” I said dejectedly, clearing my throat and keeping the tone as light as possible. _ Even if I wanted to throttle the bastard _ . And these few eggs were the last, I remembered throwing the carton away before putting the eggs into the pan earlier.

“Are they, Killua? Well, that’s too bad.” He sighs, not looking at all like he regretted it. “Anyway, I have a long day at my job with Father, I need my energy.” He pats his large stomach before standing from the bar stool and throwing his _ still fucking full plate _ of eggs and pancakes straight into the trash. “See ya!” Milluki laughs, waving as he slings his satchel around his shoulder and makes his way out through the back door. We stare on in silence, holding our breaths until he leaves.

I let my anger get the best of me, picking up the empty pans from the stove and throwing them harshly into the sink to rattle and bang off the inside loudly. 

Alluka flinches, and I sigh in frustration, rubbing the palms of my hands into my eyes harsh enough to see stars before stopping.

“I’m sorry, baby sister,” I apologize, sending her a small smile to show my regained calm. My beautiful,  _ sweet _ , baby sister smiles back in understanding. “Your dress is really pretty today, Alluka. Is that bow in your hair the same one Moogs bought you for your birthday last year?” I ask, attempting to distract her, and nodding my head her way. 

Alluka had a habit of matching her entire outfits from head to toe. Today’s theme was pink and bows, reminding me a little of Minnie Mouse.

“Mhm!” She nods and my efforts weren’t completely in vain, watching her light up under the praise and observance on my part. “Actually— okay so don’t tell her this—but I totally forgot I even had them! They were just buried in my drawer—you know, the one I keep all of my accessories in? It’s actually a set of— ” 

My little sister rambles on excitedly, and I hang on to every word, fishing out two bowls, a box of cereal, and some milk. It wasn’t exactly Chef Emerald, but it would hopefully tide her off until lunch at school and that’s all that mattered at the end of the day.

We ate and finished our  _ healthy _ breakfast in sporadic conversation, washing dishes and putting everything back in pristine condition. If we left a mess of the kitchen, our parents would be absolutely furious with us, and it’s the last thing either of us wants.

While resenting my family and the large, lavish lifestyle that being rich afforded us, there were certain amenities I took full advantage of. One of them being the car they gifted me as a bartering chip to coax me into joining the family business of power hungry and corrupt attorneys. 

My older brother Illumi had taught me how to drive at age 14, and three years later I had my license and was driving an electric-blue Dodge Charger; it even had racing stripes across the hood and body. This car was definitely my baby; it was absolutely beautiful. But, most importantly, it got Alluka and I where we needed to be,  _ when _ we needed to be.

And this morning, like every other morning since I was old enough to drive, we head out and followed the daily ritual of setting towards our best friends, Meruem and Komugi. Even if some of this morning had gone to shit, seeing Moogs would make my little sister light up like a fucking Christmas tree; they’ve always been thicker than thieves. 

“Hey, I’m gonna need you and Moogs to take a little less time getting ready today.” Chancing a glance in my sister’s direction, she was slouched on her side in the passenger seat, book bag in her lap. “I have some stuff to do with Mer and I don’t know how long it’ll take. I don’t want you guys waiting until the last minute to be ready. We really can’t afford to be late, again. Too many tardies and we could get a call home.” I wasn’t trying to make her panic, but the reality of the situation could not be changed. I was well aware of the school’s policy on truancy, and we were close to more than just a phone call home, maybe even detention. It was my fault, sometimes I allowed Alluka to sleep in longer than decent or her and Moogs would get distracted while choosing outfits together and we wouldn’t make it in time.  

“Th-they’d really call Mom and Dad about us?” my little sister questioned, voice quiet and fearful. Even though I wasn’t looking directly at her, I could her feel her staring at me, blue eyes burning into the side of my face.

“Vice Principal Bisky’s enough of a hag to do it.” I keep my voice light, not meaning to frighten my little sister. The last thing she should worry about is getting in trouble at school. “Look, just get ready and I’ll do my best to be back as soon as possible. Don’t worry, okay? Big brother won’t let you be late.” The smile I send her way is genuine, though she isn’t looking.

“Brother…” Alluka calls after a moment, still quiet and a part of me hates it. Alluka’s an incredibly excitable and happy young girl, even with all of the shit we’ve been through. Seeing her without a smile or gleaming eyes is like a knife in my fucking chest.

“Yeah, Alluk?” My tone is softer, using a nickname she was familiar with since we were kids.

“Do you think I’m a girl?”

It takes me a moment  to register exactly what she’s said because I’d never heard a more confusing question in my life.  _ The fuck _ ?! “W-what? What kind of question is that?!” I almost miss a left turn at the abrupt question.

“Do you?!” she insists, voice raising, and my second glance at her grants me a look at wide and worried eyes. 

“Of course you’re a girl, Alluka! You’re my little sister, for Christ’s sake!” She  _ would  _ ask me these damn questions when I’m trying to fucking drive!

“Y-you don’t th-think that I-I’m some...b-boy in a dress?” Her voice quivers, and I can tell from the way it breaks around certain words she’s on the verge of crying. My distraction earlier was just that, a distraction, and now my brother’s abuse was weighing heavily on my sister’s mind and soul. 

“Alluka...”

“No one believes me!” she shouts, the sound louder than even the engine’s roar. “No one thinks that I’m-that I’m-”

And I can’t do it anymore, can’t listen to my little sister talk herself down and make herself cry.

“Fuck those people, Alluka!” Cringing at my own word choice, I make it a point to never curse around my little sister, but damn if I don’t have a case of word vomit. “You are who you say you are and just fuck everyone else! You’ll never have to be a boy, a day in your life, I don’t care what Milluki or mom and dad or anyone says! You’re my little sister, you’re a girl, and I won’t see you any differently unless you ask. Fuck the gender binary! I’ll never be able to understand how difficult the world is for you and I won’t pretend, but there are people who believe you when you tell them who you are. Moogs, Mer, me, Palm, Retz, and the rest of your friends at school. Fuck our family, Alluk! You know what? I take that back, they’re not even our family, fuck them. Moogs and Mer? Those guys are our family. I know our home life is fucked, but the love and support you get from Moogs?” We’re lucky to be stopped at a light as I take a good look at my little sister and make sure she’s looking back even with tears in her eyes. “That’s real, Alluk. That’s real love and that’s what family is like.” Alluka needed to know and understand what happened at home wasn’t normal, wasn’t the world she should expect. There was more besides school and the walls of her room.

“I just wish-I just want to be normal!” she yells desperately, thin brows furrowed together, fists in her lap, scrunching up her pretty, pink dress. I’ll never be able to live my little sister’s experience, but my heart still breaks when she struggles.

The light turns green and I nearly floor it.

“You are normal, Alluk!” _ Fuck Milluki! _ “Don’t listen to anything those bastards at the house say, you are exactly who you say you are. And, I’m always going to have your back.” My voice thick with emotion because _ I mean it. _ Every word I tell my baby sister,  _ I mean fucking everything _ .

Alluka’s silent, and I begin to wonder if somewhere in my rant I said the wrong thing, took a wrong step, and fell off the deep end.

“Thank you for always being here, big brother,” Alluka says and my heart swells.  _ How could she not realize it by now?  _

Moogs’ house comes into view, Mer’s grey Toyota Corolla parked in the otherwise empty driveway, and I pull in beside him before shifting into park. 

“Of course I’ll always be here, dork.” Turning to my sister and reaching my hand to ruffle my hand in her hair, she squeaks in displeasure and surprise. “Now get out of my car, and go help Moogs get dressed, she’s waiting. So is Mer.”

Alluka places a kiss to my cheek, wraps her arms around my neck briefly before letting go and nearly skips inside of Moogs’ house. I want to go with her but can’t, my frustration mounting. 

Logically, I understand the way my family brainwashes Alluka will affect her perceived self image, but it never makes hearing my sister’s fears any easier, doesn’t make it any less frustrating. The abuse my family hurls at her is disgusting. I wish I could take away her fear and her pain, protect her from the onslaught of it all, but I battle my own demons and can only take on so much.

In my younger years when trying to defend my sister, the abuse would only get worse for her. Eventually, I learned to keep my damn mouth shut and tend to her wounds after.

Pulling out my phone, I shoot a quick text to Mer inside, knowing a good morning is difficult to come by now and eager to leave. I’ll let Alluka take it. 

_ Come outside fucker! I’m waiting _

It’s only a few seconds until Mer is outside, fixing his ugly ass green beanie over dark-black hair and stumbling his way to my car with a skateboard under his arm.  _ Wait, the fuck? A skateboard? _

“Dude, why didn’t you come inside? Alluk said to wait for you.” Meruem plops himself inside of my car, skateboard between his legs.  _ The fuck is he doing with that thing? _

“Nah, bad morning. We have shit to do anyway.” Mer waves the skateboard about, trying to figure out what the fuck to do with it. 

“Hey! Watch that fucking skateboard! This is a car I keep in pristine fucking condition!” I yell, feeling like a vein in my forehead is about to pop when the dirty wheels brush the roof of my car. 

Mer snorts at me, stuffing the skateboard  _ delicately _ in the backseat. But seriously, this car has been cleaned out several times a week since I got it  _ years ago.  _

Meruem mock salutes me, dark skin of his forehead wrinkling in feigned seriousness. “Yes, sir! Sorry about that, sir! Don’t want to mess up the interior of your car, sir!”

My eyes roll so hard they almost fall out of their sockets. “I fucking hate you, Mer,” I joke. My best friend smirks, and we pull out from Moogs’ driveway. 

“So, what’s all this bad morning business?” he asks after a few moments of car ride silence.

Sighing in frustration, I relay what happened earlier at home to my best friend of five years, knowing he already understood. 

“Milluki was being a fucking bastard. I don’t know, man. I need to get Alluka out of there quick, the fucking damage they’re doing to her head is just fucked up. I can only protect her from so much,” I say, scrubbing my hand over my face in resignation. No one should have to be talked down to the way my little sister was. 

“Your brother really is a piece of shit. But, she’s only got one year left, right? She’ll be a senior in the fall and, yo, Alluka is goddamn brilliant, bet she could get a scholarship anywhere.” Mer finds the silver lining though I’m hesitant to see it the way he does.

“I just hate the idea of her being there for another year, I’d have to stay with her too. Go somewhere local,” I reply. It was our senior year, but Alluka was still one year behind us. There was no way she could be left alone while I went to some dumbass university to escape. 

“Don’t your parents want to send you to some prestigious school a million miles away?” Mer asks, studying his phone, but knowing he’s listening, knowing his attention is still on this conversation. 

“Fuck them and their dreams. I’ll never be some disgusting attorney whose sole interest is lining my own pockets,” I spit, disgusted at the number of underhanded things my family has done to get where they are and be known as some of the best attorneys this side of the country. They were heartless, power hungry, had no sense of justice or injustice, simply favoring whoever could pay them the most.

“So, you’d just rather be a drug dealer whose sole interest is lining his own pockets.” Mer’s joking. I know he is because we’re in this together and we both have things we’re fighting for, but the comparison still chafes me like sandpaper on my skin.

“My sole interest is keeping Alluka safe, everything else can go to hell.”

“I get you. Dude, me and Moogsy were talking about getting our own place when we head off after graduation. Alluk could come with us?” Mer offers, eyebrows raised in question, but I shake my head.

“That sounds like a dream come true, but my parents would never let that happen. They love the control they have over her. Besides that, they think she’s some embarrassment. Remember those times in middle school when we had to climb through her window to get her ‘cause they fucking locked the outside of her room?” Recalling the memory made my own blood boil, climbing the tree in the backyard of my family’s estate several years ago just to get Alluka out of the house when they felt she needed to be “punished”.

“Not something I ever want to relive,” Mer speaks our shared sentiment. 

After that, Alluka was always with me, with us. After school we’d hang out until night fell or until my mother called and ordered us back home, never leaving Alluka home alone. “But, that’s what I’m saying, dude! We can’t let shit like that happen anymore. If there’s an out, you gotta take it. And, I’m offering one,” he insists.

“Mer, come on, you know what my family is capable of. You know who they are. It’s bad enough they dislike you and Moogs for being my friends, but if they found out you took Alluka away with you?” My head shakes back and forth, blood running cold at the thought of my family touching my best friends in any way. “They could do anything, Mer.” My warning comes quiet, barely audible over the engine. 

I don’t want Mer to fight back on this. I don’t want him to directly involve himself because if something were to happen… It’d be my fault. 

_ Nah, I’ll take care of this. I have to.  _

Mer shrugs beside me in the passenger seat. “We’ll put our heads together and figure something out.” He sighs, letting it go. And there’s always been a certain sense of calm that came with Meruem in times like this, when knowing others stood in solidarity with you, especially friends. 

We reach our destination, entering a neighborhood that looks too nice for its seedy dealings. Rows and rows of nice, little, suburban houses. 

Our supplier, main vein to the drugs Mer and I push to dumbass high school students, lives in a very plush two story home. White with red roofing, a patio with an awning, and wind chimes blowing in late August wind. No matter what time of day, this place never stopped giving me a sense of discomfort, or maybe it was more the man who was inside.

“Yo, did you do that shit for Knov’s class?” My hands dig into my pockets, shutting my car door with my hip as we trail up the driveway to Hisoka’s house.

“That weird chemistry thing?” Mer replies. “Yeah. Oh, dude, I didn’t fucking tell you what happened!” He bursts out into laughter, full genuine laughter, and stutters through a story about an assigned chemistry project gone wrong. It’s moments like these that I cherish the most, no matter how ridiculous it sounded even to myself, when me and Mer could bullshit and laugh without worrying about a single, goddamn thing-it made me feel like a normal high school kid. 

Bracing myself and turning the knob to enter Hisoka’s, my drug dealer’s, house is always an act of courage. The fucker was creepier than a man in a white van. 

He was sitting in his living room, dyed, flame-red hair sticking up into waves. Hisoka was so focused on the task before him, dividing up money and drugs on his living room table, he didn’t even bother looking up when we entered. He knew we were coming anyway.

“Yo,” I greeted, not needing to say much more than that. The last person me or Mer wanted to chat with was this dude, but it was the only choice we had when it came to good shit and better money. 

“Ah, young Killua. Meruem. My two favorite boys, take a seat, please.” He waves his hand out before him, palm up and offered up two round chairs he has set up across from him. Me and my best friend share a look before slowly making our way towards them and taking a seat.

Hisoka pays us no mind, continuing to organize his cash and supplies. It’s a tense kind of silence for a few moments, both Meruem and I sitting in the chairs like fucking idiots surrounded by a room full of paintings of naked bodies on the walls, until he decided to speak again. “Have you both done well on your sales these past few weeks? I do expect to see quite a good turn out for the pills I pushed you two.” And there’s no force behind the voice but there’s a certain sinister tone that never leaves.

“Here’s your money, man.”I reply. “Just give us the same thing you did last time. Maybe double up on the pills. They go crazy for these shits.” Digging into my pocket and pulling out the wad of cash this lascivious business came with. Some of it was mine, but most of it was Hisoka’s. 

The students of Padokea High were greedy in their need for escape, pills for raves and parties, weed to mellow them out and make them look cool in front of their other bullshit friends.

Me and Mer were their suppliers. 

“Of course, Killu! Anything for you. Tell me, how is your brother, Illumi?” His voice is a little like velvet and it’s the weirdest fucking thing, that such a voice belonged to a creepy fuck who wore clown make-up most days for fun  
  
My muscles tense at the mention of my brother’s name. There were times I forgot Hisoka’s  _ bizarre  _ relationship to Illumi. 

Officially, Hisoka was Illumi’s quasi-confidant when it came to certain drug dealing business. Hisoka was something of a devil’s advocate, giving up names of those who were trying to butt in on his turf and sometimes giving up names of those he worked with for the simple pleasure of watching them burn. Dealing with him was a double sided coin. Be on the right side.  _ Or else _ . 

“S’fine. Working.” Short, clipped answers were all I was willing to give, thinking Hisoka and Illumi were cut from the same cloth. Both demented and depraved.

“I would ask you to say hello to him for me, but,” And, this time he did glance up, golden eyes wild and unfocused. “Well, I’m sure I’ll see him soon, in any case.” He smirks, and I feel like he can see into my soul; his gaze is so goddamn fucking unnerving.  _ Fucking fuck! _ He refocuses his attention on the table in front of him, divvying up pills and baggies of weed, then sliding them over to me and Mer. Money and drugs exchange hands, and we don’t stick around for tea and fucking cookies afterward.

There’s a certain sense of unease I always leave with when stepping outside of Hisoka’s place, as if his home is a portal into a frightening world. But once out of there, it sticks like tar, adds a certain weight no matter how far you run. 

Mer and I don’t speak after leaving Hisoka’s place; my guess being he feels the exact way I do. It stops us short, makes us feel wary even within our own company. Only after driving a few miles and coming closer to Moogs’ place is the silence broken, like popping a bubble.

“Call Moogs, Mer. We’re heading close, tell them to be ready so we can head out.”

Mer nods wordlessly, adhering to my instructions, and we speed off their way. The day’s only just begun, yet it already feels like the longest in a while. Senior year is already kicking my ass. 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

_ “I hate worrying about the future _

_ Cause all my fucking problems are based around the past _

_ And I hate when you call me late at night _

_ Just to check in to make sure I got nothing to be sad about _

_ But it's alright and I'm okay _

_ I won't need your help anyway _

_ Ah, well _

_ I hate having to think about my future _

_ When all I wanna do is worry about everyone but me” _

_ Fine, Great - Modern Baseball _

* * *

 

Mer’s skateboarding irritates me. Not because it’s an actual nuisance to be around, but because I want to be the one riding it. He does shit he calls “ollies” and “kickflips” and God knows what fucking else, but all I see is some weird spinning that’s hazardous to everyone’s safety. 

_ I want in.  _

Looking at my phone and lighting the screen up to see the wallpaper of me and my sister’s faces squished together under white digital text time, tells me there’s 10 minutes until the school bell rings and we have to get to class.  _ That’s enough time for me to at least try it out! _

“Yo, Mer! Let me try that shit!” I yell from my spot on the floor beside the school building, painted over white walls dirtied from teenage shoes and weather. Students and cars fill the parking lot, all of us bullshitting until the bell rings. Alluka had run off with her friends somewhere in the fray.

Mer attempts another skateboard trick a few feet away, but I’m pretty sure he’s failing because he never seems to land on the board. 

“Dude, you’re going to fuck up my board,” he replies without even looking up, and my ire sparks.

“Fuck you, man!”

_ As if he’s not doing that enough himself?! _

“Don’t get him started, Kill. Pretty sure I have a shit ton of bruises on my shins from being too close when he falls off the board,” Moogs says without an actual care in the world. The tall, pale girl with white hair, who could pass off as my sister more than Alluka due to our resemblance, leans against the wall beside me. Blue eyes unseeing, though with the way she sometimes moves her head one would think she had perfect vision. Truth was, Moogs’ is completely blind. 

Taking a look towards her legs, I’m glad she can’t see my physical reaction, _ a cringe _ . Alluka made the mistake of choosing shorts for Moogs to wear and bruises ranging from purple to green to black littered my best friend’s lower legs.

“You do look pretty fucked,” I reply without thinking and my head pops forward. A stinging pain seizes the back of my skull.  _ Ow! Shit! _

“Hey!” I yell through gritted teeth.  _ Did she really have to fucking do that?!  _ My hands reach behind me to rub soothing circles around my nape and the majority of the pain is gone in seconds. Turning to face her blue eyes, I freeze; knowing she can’t see me doesn’t change the fact my best friend is leveling me with a look that could put me several feet in a grave.

“Weren’t you ever taught that if you had nothing kind to say, then don’t speak at all?!” Moogs’ bushy brows push together and her lower lip juts out the way it does when she’s upset even in the slightest. My fingers massage the back of my scalp, bunching up thick hair in its wake.

“You’re blind, you’re not supposed to see where my head is!” My mouth twists down in a grimace.

Moogs was, in fact, born blind and had learned a number of ways to figure out certain distances throughout her life. It wasn’t like movies where she could see sound or some bullshit like that, she got around using logic and repetition. It looks like no cakewalk and it’s something I don’t think I’d ever be strong enough to do, but Moogs has always been the smartest of the bunch, never afraid to ask for help. She also almost always has a knack for knowing where certain things—or people— are after a lifetime of practice. The toughest thing for her, still, is crowds.

Her brows unscrunch, lower lip setting in a thin line before pulling up into a smirk. “I actually wasn’t aiming for your head, thought I’d hit your shoulder.” She shrugs nonchalantly and my eyes narrow into slits.

“Your hand is heavy as hell, Moogs.” I joke-insult and the reaction received from her is the one intended, pale arms crossing over her chest and her lip juts out again. 

“What did I just say about having nothing decent to note!” Her voice is shrill and kind of makes the hair on my arms stand at end. An angry Moogs could be a scary Moogs. 

“Moogs, you’re such a—” I was going to call her a hag but the clang of a board against parking lot gravel and a grunt breaks up our fake fight.  

Mer is hands and knees on the floor, his turtle green beanie lying beside him. He musses the black ungelled mohawk on his head and sighs in frustration. The board is wheels up beside him, the once elegant gold dragon design now chipped along the body.

“Goddamnit, fine! Kill, you take this shit, man.” Mer says without patience and I grin, pushing myself up from the floor and walking the few feet towards him. 

_ About fucking time! _

He gets up without my help, hands clap together and rid themselves of dirt before fixing his beanie back on his head.

“I bet you 20 bucks I can do a kickflip or whatever the fuck you call it just from watching you enough.” I challenge with a smirk his way, knowing he’ll take me up because me and Mer have always been this way, even in middle school. And damn if I don’t think it’s true. I’ve only watched him do this shit  _ a hundred times _ since finally making it to school after picking up the girls this morning.

Mer kicks the board over and slams the tip of his foot on the end, pushing it up to meet his empty hand. Resisting the urge to roll my eyes at his ridiculous showboating, I reach out for the board and he relinquishes his hold.

“I bet 50 that you can’t even stand up on the board.” He counters, green eyes mischievous and a smirk on his face.

“You’re on.”

We shake in our own secret way, Mer’s dark skin a stark contrast against my pale. 

“I can only see this ending in tragedy.” Moogs’ voice reaches us, resignation clear through her tone. She knows her two favorite guys are about to do what we do best. _ Incredibly stupid shit. _

“Moogsy is a psychic, Kill. I would heed her words.” Mer takes a few steps back, warranting me a wide berth of space.

“Fuck the both of you!” I glare at the couple, Mer with his arms crossed and Moogs now leaning against him for comfort and support. I’m tempted to flip them both off before thinking better of it and redirecting my attention back to the board in my hand, fingers scratching against the grit of tape.

_ Alright, this shouldn’t be too hard. _ Dropping the board and planting my shoes on the scratchy surface, the board rolls from under me even though I’m doing my best to stand still. My body wobbles, bizarre whimpering sounds leave my mouth before thinking to stop and I’m terrified I may fall before steadying myself. 

The snickers and snorts coming a few feet away from me only spur me on, my legs finding the right balance before planting a foot on the ground and using the purchase to shoot myself forward.

I roll ahead, the speed brushing white bangs from my face and the cold finds the inside of my shirt, causing me to shiver. The board carries me on its back for a total of a few seconds, Moogs and Mer passing in my periphery as I head towards the school crowd, but I lean too far to the side and suddenly I’m airborne. Falling backwards, blue sky and white clouds hover above me before my body slams into the ground.

“ACK!” The world tilts and the wind is fucking knocked out of me as my back slams against the floor, blinding pain starts at my head when it meets the ground once and then twice. My eyes squeeze shut. 

_ Fuck!  _

_ Fuckfuckfuck!  _

My ears ring for a few seconds, pain radiating through me and my hands reach without command for the back of my skull and massage. My body contracts and I’m sitting up, hunching over and gagging when my mouth fills with the taste of copper.

“Killua! Shit!” Meruem’s voice sounding like it’s down a deep tunnel before becoming abruptly clear and maybe a little too loud. “Dude, fuck are you okay!?” He’s screaming in my ear, I can feel the heat of his hands, one on my back to help hold me up and the other resting against my forearm. 

Black asphalt comes into view when I force my eyes open, my spit marking it darker with the fluid. The spits clear though I swore blood was about to fall out through my fucking eyeballs. 

“What?! What did he do!?” Moogs yells, voice thick with worry and a choking sound emits from my chest when I try to form words.  _ Fucking shit!  _

“Dude!” Mer yells, voice thick with panic and his hand grips tighter around my forearm. Gnashing my teeth against the pain and watching as spit drivels from my lips, I shake my head back and forth, only focusing on breathing but trying to tell him I’m okay. _ Still fucking kicking, but damn this hurts!  _

Groaning and licking my lips to cut off the contact between my dripping saliva, my hands continue their kneading against my sore dome. 

“Can you stand, man? We should ta—what the  _ fuck _ are you laughing about?!”

I don’t notice until he says it that I am, in fact, laughing. It makes my head pound but I can’t stop it, the chuckles bubbling up and over. _ Fuck, I was so stupid! That was so stupid!  _

“What’s he laughing about?” I hear Moogs ask, confusion and panic in her voice.

“Kil’s laughing because he’s a fucking idiot.” Mer replies without much force behind his words.

“Exactly!” I agree without hesitation.  _ Death by skateboard?! For fuck’s sake. _

Meruem spares me an incredulous look, deducing that I was either nuts or seemingly fine and then bursts into laughter with me. 

“My ass f-feels so fucking numb, dude!” I stutter through my own laughter.  _ Idiot! I’m a damn idiot! _

“Shouldn’t you be used to that?!” Mer makes a shitty gay joke and it only serves to crack us up further, my weight rests on him as he pulls me up into a standing position but even then, we don’t stop laughing.  _ FUCK, we’re idiots! _ I don’t even need to look at Moogs to know she’s entirely done with our shit.

“Hey! You jerks!” 

Mer and I don’t know the strange loud and deep voice yelling out is aimed at us until it’s only a few feet away. 

“Stop laughing, that wasn’t cool! That was really rude!” 

Our laughter fizzles out, surprise overtaking the both of us and the pounding sensation is more insistent in my head. A pain settling even in my forehead.

Spiky black hair, deep brown eyes and a scowl marking across his face. _ Wonder Boy _ , as I liked to call him in my head, is stalking straight towards us. His wide set shoulders appearing all the more threatening even under a red and yellow Varsity jacket. 

“What the heck is your problem?!” Wonder Boy yells, I hadn’t noticed he was at least a foot taller than me until he’s right in my face. His hulking figure looming over.

He isn’t frightening, had never been. Just… Intriguing? As always.

Mer lays a hand, palm side down against Wonder Boy’s chest. “Hey! Back off, dude.” 

_ Shit, Mer. Don’t do this! _

My best friend’s never been violent but he’s fiercely protective of those in his circle, including me. My thoughts go to Moogs, thinking she could certainly diffuse a situation.

Wonder Boy barely spares Mer a single glance before turning back to me with angry eyes.“I won’t! And I’m talking to your friend! Your stupid skateboard hit  _ my _ friend and he’s hurt!” 

_ Does this kid understand personal fucking boundaries?  _ I can see the goddamn gold flecks in his eyes and the smatter of freckles across dark skin.

_ Wait. What did he just say? _

“I-what?” Regaining my bearings and paying attention to his words and not his goddamn freckles.

_ How the hell does one notice that at a time like this?! _

“You heard me! Go over there and apologize to Leorio!” He yells at a volume that makes my brain rattle inside of my skull, the heat of his breath blowing across my face.

_ To...L-Lerio? Oreo? Who...the fuck? _

_ Does Wonder Boy always have to be so fucking loud? _ My brain’s about to launch off my goddamn shoulders to a quiet corner _. Death by the volume of Wonder Boy’s voice? Shit. Shitty. Shittier. _

“The only place Killua’s going to is the nurse. So I suggest you chill out and back off.” Mer steps back in, this time taking a half step in front of me to put distance between myself and Wonder Boy.

“The nurse?” Wonder Boy suddenly looks unsure, eyes flickering back over to Mer and staying there while he awaits a response. He clearly didn’t see me eat total shit. 

_ Oh, good _ .  _ He wasn’t yelling loud enough to kill me on purpose, then. _

“Your friend wasn’t the only one hurt.” Mer states, not with anger or malice, but simply matter of fact. He was keeping his cool. 

Wonder Boy seems to lose his luster then, blinking his eyes a few times and stepping back. “O-oh. Is it bad?” He looks back over to me, eyes narrowed in what looks to be concern, now. It’s unnerving and frankly weird as shit. 

_ Wasn’t he just pissed at me a second ago? _

“I—” My mouth moves but Mer interrupts me.

“He bounced his head like a basketball against the ground- looks pretty bad, dude.” he says conversationally and my eyes narrow into slits.

If my brain could do anything besides hurt at its current state, it would produce steam to blow out of my fucking ears. 

Brown eyes turn back to me and he scowls. “You should be more careful! Why weren’t you at least wearing a helmet?!” He scolds me with his always incredibly loud-and currently, painful-tone.

_ What...the literal fuck?! _

I can’t handle it anymore. This dude is giving me fucking whiplash.

“Wonder Boy, why the fuck are you always so loud!” The volume of my voice is an even match for his, Mer flinching beside me. Wonder Boy’s brown eyes with stupid gold flecks widen, his freckles across his nose and cheeks more noticeable suddenly under direct sunlight.

“W-Wonder..? My name’s Gon.” He replies with a confused but worried tone.

Growling, I reply through gritted teeth. “I know that,  _ Wonder Boy. _ ” 

I shouldn’t have said that nickname in the first place but there’s no damn use in hiding it now.

“My name’s not Wonder Boy, _ Killua _ !” Wonder Boy/Gon replies, his face mere inches from mine again.

_ Did he just.... _

“Who told you my fucking name?!” 

This seems to catch Wonder Boy/Gon off guard, he searches my face for a moment and with the way his brows furrow together, forehead rising and wrinkling I get the feeling he isn’t finding whatever it is. He speaks to me with a low and slow tone after this, “Your friend did, just now. B-but we had classes together in junior year. Don’t you remember?” He turns his face slightly to Meruem beside me. “He really did hit his head pretty hard, didn’t he?”

“Yup.” Meruem pops the ‘p’ and nods quickly. “Now, if you could, move out of my way.” He flicks his hand to the side, the way someone does with an annoying fly.

It makes my headache worse for some reason, or maybe it was the impact of Gon’s voice finally hitting me. In any case, the fucking pounding in my head will not cease. I need a nap and a cold towel over my damn face. 

_ No more fucking talking! _

“Oh! I-I’m sorry! Hey, I’ll take him. I did yell in his face..” Gon tries to reason with my best friend and they face off before me. 

Mer levels Gon with a single look, shakes his head as he crosses his arms in front of his chest.

“Nah, it’s cool. I got him.” He replies but Gon opens his mouth to speak, again. 

_ Jesus fucking christ, can’t they both just shut the fuck up?! _

“ _ He _ can speak for himself! Fuck’s sake! I can take myself to the damn nurse, too.” I cut in, tired of the back and forth with the way my head and back feel, though my head is certainly taking center stage.

Mer turns to me with concern, eyes turning that muddy deep green they sometimes go. “Kill, dude, you hit your head pretty fucking hard.” 

I want to lie and tell him I’m fine but damn if my head isn’t pounding like a motherfucker. 

The school bell rings out and decides for us. Mer has to take Moogs to class, even though she can navigate on her own most days, when she’s in a crowd it’s easy for her to lose her sense of direction. 

“Mer..” She calls after him and the 3 of us turn to face the girl against the wall. 

Moogs never acts without all information in her hands and with how silent she was during this entire scuffle, I’m guessing she decided her presence wasn’t necessary. 

“Yeah, I know. Babe, we’ll just stop off at the nurse to drop Kill—”

“My first class is basically a free period, it’s fine, I can take Killua.”  Gon interrupts, and I watch as his eyes flicker back and forth between Mer and Moogs.

For a moment, my irritation sparks.  _ Does no one fucking think I’m capable of walking the few feet to the damn nurse’s office!? What am I, a fucking toddler whose hand needs to be held!? _

“I can take myself.” I reply, stubbornly. Feeling the heat rush to my cheeks with my mounting frustration.

“Killua, you hit your head really fucking hard, dude! You didn’t see it but I did, it literally bounced on the ground! I thought that shit was going to crack wide open!” Mer is wide eyed and insistent, his frustration more apparent when he uses his hands to speak to me.

“Thanks, Mer...” My tone is sarcastic, knowing there’s likely no way to fight back at this point with how upset Meruem is becoming.

“I’m just saying, it’s something to worry about. You’re gonna lie to my face and tell me you’re not in a lot of pain as we speak? It could be a concussion, Kill.” He informs me and my resolve is flimsy.

I stay quiet. 

“That’s what I thought. I’m taking Moogs to class, then getting my ass in there. I’ll let Knov know you’re not going to be there today, alright?” His tone is no nonsense, it makes my cheeks burn even moreso. My whole face is likely resembling a tomato at this point. 

“I—”

“Alright!?” He repeats with a stare that tells me not to fucking bother denying him. My best friend acts more like a big brother, scolding me.

“Yeah! Fuck’s sake, alright, Mer.” I agree, begrudgingly, hands balling into fists. 

Meruem nods in satisfaction, looking smug as shit before reaching out to shake with me. “I’ll catch you in a minute, let me know what happens.” He nods at me and then turns to reach Moogs still staring at us with a confused look on her face.

I can hear the sound of her voice even after Mer leads her away from me and Gon. 

_ “What the hell just happened, Meruem? _ ”

“So..” Gon begins in an awkward manner.

“Ugh.”

_ Why the fuck did I agree to this, again? _

“W-we should probably wait until the crowd dies down, everyone’s rushing to the front entrance..” He says and I sigh, leaning against the school building’s wall.

And Gon’s right, students are crowding at the double doors leading into school. The thought of being confined or squashed inside with everyone there makes me nauseous, I have to turn away.  

“I don’t need a fucking escort, Wonder Boy.” My tone is as emotionless as possible, eyes fluttering closed because my new position is facing the sun and it’s annoying the shit out of me. 

“Will you stop calling me that!? My name’s— ”

“Gon. Gon Freecss, I know.” I interrupt his tirade, more to make him stop yelling than anything else. I’ve known he was loud but damn today was just not the day for it. 

“Oh. Th-then why did you keep calling me Wonder Boy?!” He’s yelling again and even though the sound irritates, I recognize my mistake.

_ Shit. No.  _

_ No way, that’d be admitting way too fucking much at a time like this. _

“Hey, Gon. Look, can you—” I lick my lips, swallow the saliva in my mouth even though it suddenly feels drier than the Sahara. “Can you keep your voice down? This migraine is no walk in the fucking park, man.” My statement is true but it’s also a complete change of subject and there’s a hope it distracts Wonder— _ Gon _ entirely. 

“So you really are in pain!” he whisper yells this time and it’s almost a little comical.

Almost.

“It’s not that big of a deal.” Comes my reply and it isn’t. It’s definitely not fun but...

I’ve felt worse.

“Your friend seemed to think so.” Gon is suddenly quicker with his retorts.

“Meruem worries a lot. In any case, why are you so fucking concerned about me? Didn’t I hit your friend or something?”

The entire reason he’s near me in the first place is because he was pissed, to begin with. 

“Huh? Yeah! Yeah, your skateboard rolled and it hit Leorio in his leg. He fell, we were all worried.” Gon tries to control the volume of his voice this time, the throbbing in my head slightly dulling. 

_ All? Where was the rest of his group to collect him from the big bad wolf? Padokea High’s most notorious… _

“Is he okay?” Speaking slowly and feeling genuinely sorry, it wasn’t my intention to hurt anyone. I was just being stupid as shit.

“Well, they’re all walking to class.” 

I hum in acknowledgement and it goes quiet between us. 

“What else do you know about me?” Too curious for my own good, needing to know. This entire school stays the fuck away from me, only having enough guts when hallways are empty or bathrooms are private with cash in hand for my supply. 

_ But what does Gon know, if anything? Why isn’t he afraid of me? Who else has the gall to approach me and Mer and scream in our fucking faces? _

“Huh?”, comes Gon’s genius reply.

“I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors around school, I’m sure some of your friend’s even whisper about it.”  _ I’d be an idiot not to notice when certain rooms go quiet as I walk in, as people look away the moment I turn in their direction. _

“Do you..” there’s a weird tone to his voice, it makes me peek one eye open to watch as he leans close to me, a look on his face like concern mixed with confusion. Half his face is hit by direct sunlight, making the tan skin shine and the other half cast in shadow. “Do you have some sort of obsession with your own infamy?” his words were entirely unexpected and make me blink in surprise before my body shakes with laughter. 

“W-was that a joke?!” I can’t stop laughing,  _ I can’t believe this shit! _ “Did Wonder Boy who came to s-save the day for his friend just m-make a joke at my e-expense?! That’s f-fucking hilarious!” Stuttering through my laughter, the pain in my head still existent and nagging but I can’t believe this shit is happening.  _ Is this a hallucination? Is my concussed brain making this shit up to fuck with me?! _

Gon looks slightly amused, he doesn’t laugh but I feel like he’s biting back a smile, corner of his lips shaking and nearly pulling up. 

“It was a half joke, really.” His tone is light.

My laughter is the only reply, it trails off a few moments later and my breathing comes out in ragged breaths before returning to soft inhales.

The second bell rings, alerting us six minutes have passed and everyone should be in their classes by now. If they’re not, they’re late. I watch a few straggling kids sprint their way towards school, others who walk at a slow pace, resigned to their tardy.  

I do my best to ignore the way it feels like my brain shakes in my skull.

“We can go in, now.” Gon states, voice calm and quiet.

We walk side by side through the school parking lot, the sun beaming down on us and brown orange leaves swirling in the wind that soothes my heated skin. We take the short school steps two at a time before we’re sheltered in the shadows of our high school. The linoleum tile reflecting fluorescent lights nearly blinded me, I have to squint to make it through the brown colored hallways. 

“I have heard some interesting stuff, I guess.” he breaks up the last few minutes of silence. It takes me a moment to reply, the hallways swirling and confusing me, slightly. 

“What?” 

The hallway makes me fucking nauseous, I turn to Gon for some semblance of concentration.

_ Why is his hair so spiky? What kind of hair products does he use? How much?! _

“About you. You asked if I’d heard things about you.” He turns to me, hands hanging at the sides of his green backpack I didn’t notice he had. 

“Ah.” I get it, then. “And?” My voice prompts.

“And nothing.” Gon shrugs, blinking at me. “Killua, we don’t know each other.” He shakes his head at me for a moment before looking away from me. 

“Hmm...Everyone knows you, Wonder Boy.” My voice has more of a bite to it than I mean it to. But Gon and I are from very, very different worlds. 

_ I’ve got a joke. A drug dealer and a jock walk into a high school… _

“Killua says that like it’s a bad thing.” He interrupts my musings and my nose wrinkles up. 

“I guess for you it isn’t.”

We finally reach our destination, sign above an open doorway telling us we’re in front of the nurse’s office.

“What’s that supposed—”

“Good morning! How can I help you two gentlemen?” Nurse Cheadle interrupts Gon’s question as we walk through the doorless entryway. 

The room is fairly small with the same brown walls that nauseate me. There are two beds separated by a grey curtain and Nurse Cheadle, with her blue hair and doctor’s coat and glasses, looks more put together sitting in front of the computer at the desk to the left of the beds than the room itself. 

“Killua hit his head pretty hard, said he has a migraine.” Gon’s first to explain, pointing his thumb my way. When we stand side by side this way, our height difference is more noticeable, my head barely reaching Gon’s chin.

Nurse Cheadle rises at this explanation, rubbing her hands over her thighs to smooth out the wrinkles in her khaki pants. “Well, that does sound like it warrants a visit to the nurse’s office. What did you hit your head on, Killua?” She makes her way over to me, a look of concentration on her face as she sizes me up. 

My cheeks flush,  _ how do I tell someone that I’m a dumbass who rode a skateboard for the sake of pride and ate total shit? _

“Uh, the ground actually..”  _ Problem solved. Edit and tell what’s important. _

She hums and nods in acknowledgement. “I see. Come, sit down.” She waves her hand behind her, stepping to the side as she intends for me to sit on one of the plain white office beds. 

Nurse Cheadle was, in all actuality, a certified doctor. But rumor had it she was fired from every hospital she worked at for being incredibly difficult to work with, never once biting her tongue around those she thought to be incompetent and she ended up working as a lowly school nurse. 

_ Not that anyone would say that to her face.  _

“I’m going to do a few exams. I don’t want to jump to conclusions but you’ve hit your head and you’ve got prominent pain, it could be that you have a concussion. There’s not much I can do for you here, the resources are nil but I can give you some pain pills and recommend a few doctors I trust to get scans by.” She bends at the waist while I sit on the office bed, her hands cradling the sides of my neck. “Does your neck hurt? You could have whiplash, or worse, have sprained a muscle. If the case is the latter, the minimal pain you feel today will worsen within a few days.” She warns and moves her hands to my face, holding me like I’m glass.

_ Wow, what wonderful news. _

Her fingers are soft but cold against my jaw which prompts the memories of my mother’s acrylic fingernails digging into my skin unwarranted. 

I have to blink to focus when it looks as if blue hair turns to white. 

_ Fuck. _

“Hold on, let me get some supplies.” She says before leaving the room through a closed door to our left. 

“A concussion sounds pretty bad..” Gon pipes up, reminding me he was actually still in the room. 

_ Shit, had I really forgotten?  _

He’s sitting in a chair to my right, close to the head of the office bed, legs crossed at the ankle and hands in his jean clad lap.

“It’s—”

Nurse Cheadle comes back through the door and closes it behind her with a few supplies in her arms. “Okay, I’m going to do an eye test and feel around your head for any swelling. I’m a doctor but I’m not a miracle worker with every scanner known to man in this damn room, so I’ll do my best to give you an accurate diagnosis.” She nods to herself before flashing a brief smile at me.

My fingers scrub over my face, massaging my temples for a moment to alleviate the pain I still feel before heaving out a sigh. A concussion would not be good fucking news.

_ What the hell is the recovery time for that? How the hell will me and Alluka get to school? And if I need to get scans, how the fuck am I going to tell my parents?!  _

Nurse Cheadle conducts tests consisting of shining light in my eyes, staring at an eye chart, making me cross my eyes and then covering one eye while she gives me small vision tests with the uncovered one. 

She feels around my head with her hands, it relaxes me for a moment when she runs her hands through my hair and rubs at my scalp. I shiver impulsively and hum in appreciation, Gon’s chuckle reaching my ears at that but fuck him ‘cause I’m so goddamn relaxed. 

“Shit, ow!” I yelp when her fingers prod at the back of my skull, pressing down at a sensitive point that feels like pressing down on a fresh bruise. She immediately pulls back, hands leaving my head entirely. 

“That hurt?” She asks, brown eyes narrowed behind her round glasses.

“Yes!” I reply without hesitation, still feeling like the sensitive spot is throbbing. My palm runs over it lightly, careful not to prod it again.

“Okay. I’m going to make a few phone calls, stay here.” She instructs before leaving through the door she came in through before.

Palms of my hands press against my eyes and rub harshly before I look up to the guy sitting in the single chair beside the office bed I’m sat on. “You don’t have to stay here, Gon.” 

“It’s not a problem, really.” He shakes his head back and forth, his face showing his words were honest. 

“Hmm…” Humming, knowing there’s no sense in trying to get him out of here as my back meets semi soft shitty nurse office bed. My arm goes over my face, blocking the too bright fucking lights that make my head ache infinitely moreso. And even though the pain is pretty grand, being in the darkness and quiet of the nurse’s office is somehow soothing. I could almost fall asleep.

“Ki-Killua!” Gon’s voice is loud and panicked, stirring me. My body jolts, arm off my face in a flash and I blink myself back to consciousness. 

“What?!”

“Oh. Uh, nothing.” Gon stares at me with wide eyes before calming down and sending a soft smile my way. 

It bothers me for some reason. The way he looks. 

“What?” I’m on the verge of demanding in a not so kind way if he doesn’t fucking tell me. 

He shakes his head. “Nothing, I was just—because you’re—I was—” His words are a flurry, voice thick with something it takes me a moment to discern as...worry? 

_ He was worried because...He shouted when I closed my eyes...Because… Oh.. _

“You thought I was falling asleep and wanted to wake me up because of the possible concussion.” I voiced my conclusion and he shrank down in his chair, a bizarre flush covering his cheeks. 

“Uh, yeah..” 

My eyes narrow into slits. “You’re weird, Gon.”

“W-why am I weird?” He sits back up, at attention and leaning towards me, slightly.

_ Idiot.  _

“You do remember about 10 minutes ago when you were yelling in my face about hurting your friend?” I almost laugh. “Then you offer to take me to the nurse’s office and you’re sitting in here with me. Little weird how much of a one-eighty you’ve done.” I voice with as much snark as possible.

He blinks. “Oh. Well...You were hurt, too. You needed help, so..” He shrugs, as if that explains everything. Deciding to let it go, in any case, my head shakes back and forth for a moment. 

“I’ll still apologize to Oreo when we get out of here.” 

Gon snorts. “To wh-who?! Wh-what?!” He laughs, head thrown back and mouth wide open. My teeth gnash together, irritation flaring. 

“Oreo! Li-lier—fuck it! The guy, alright? Your friend!” I growl, frustrated with my muddled mind and Gon’s laughing at me. 

“Leorio? Y-you mean Leorio!” He laughs harder if that’s even fucking possible. And it’s the most annoying shit, ever. 

“Don’t fucking laugh, it hurts my brain.”

This is a half-truth. My headache is leaving me, slightly. I just want him to shut the fuck up. 

His laughter cuts off immediately, his arm going over his mouth as he coughs it out. “Oh! S-sorry. But yeah, you should. I know it was an accident but it got you and someone else hurt.” He sighs before continuing. “Why do you even ride that thing?”

“Where is it, by the way? The skateboard.” Wondering if Mer realizes we never actually actively looked for it after it flew out from underneath me. 

Gon finds his legs interesting, suddenly, swinging the long things back and forth though he’s too tall for them to swing back very far so he continuously hits the floor within seconds. “Oh, I think Kurapika has it.”

“Wh-who!?” 

_ Ku...Kuro...Cu?! What the fuck is up with these unintelligible names!? _

“Kura—uh, you can just call them Pika, I guess. Like Pikachu? I kind of make fun of them for that, sometimes.” He grins to himself, humming a small laugh in his throat, clearly satisfied with himself. 

“Some friend you are.” Comes my sarcastic reply. 

“Heh, I guess.” He spares a glance at me and it’s a little disarming. 

Gon isn’t afraid, isn’t angry or annoyed, isn’t going to give me a smart ass reply in return. Everything he feels is written on his face. While my tone with him may seem a reflection of irritation, I feel the opposite. Gon has the most confusing actions of anyone I know and his chipper attitude may be a little annoying at the moment but he’s… Good.

I lay back and shift on the bed, closing my eyes due to the wave of drowsiness that overwhelms me. Gon does his best to make noise or maybe he’s just a noisy dude altogether because I hear a zipper opening and closing, material rubbing together, the high pitch of the chair scoot a certain way and he hums either entirely unaware or purposely. 

One eye peeks open momentarily, curious under my lashes to see Gon hunched over with one leg crossed over his knee. A textbook under some paper to create a base with a pencil in his left hand. The tip of his tongue peeks out and his hair looks longer at this angle.

Not meaning to stare but unable to look away at such an unadulterated view of someone, with no inhibitions or insecurities. The mechanical pencil he uses catches my eye, the silver and orange pattern glinting in the light and for some reason that pencil looks so—

_ Holy shit.  _

_ In junior fucking year I lent Gon that pencil!  _

_ Wait, why does he still even have that thing? _

_ Who the hell keeps a pencil for over a year? How is that thing even still in condition enough to be used?! _

“Hey, that’s my pencil.” My mouth moves before having the ability to think twice. 

The movements his pencil was previously making, stops. His tongue retreats back into his mouth and he straightens in the chair to give me his attention. “What?”

It’s a stupid thing, something that shouldn’t even be a remote issue. But here my mouth is. Arguing. “That pencil. That pencil you’re using is mine, how do you still have that?”  _ I would have lost it a week after I got it, but here Wonder Boy with it still completely intact. _

  
Gon’s brows scrunch together, examining the pencil in his hand for a moment before replying...“No, it’s not. It’s mine, I’ve had it for a while, now.”

“Yes. Because I gave it to you junior year.” I insist. And I did, I totally gave that fucking pencil to him, I remember!

“No, you didn’t.” He argues, voice raising an octave and I growl. 

“Yes I fucking did! I remember! It was 3rd period Mr. Basho’s class, you sat like two seats away from me and you had asked everyone around us for a pencil and I got so annoyed I gave you my own!” 

The entire 3 minutes of “hey, do you have a pencil? Can I borrow it?” had irritated me enough to almost throw the mechanical pencil Alluka bought me with a stupid design on it at Gon. He smiled at me and said thanks, I hadn’t replied with more than a grunt that day. 

He blinks slowly for a moment before shrugging and extending the pencil towards me. “Well—well then, here. You can have it back.” He says with no animosity or irritation present. 

I eye the pencil for a moment, then shake my head.  _ I wasn’t asking for it back, I just thought it was weird as hell. _ “Nah, it’s cool. You can keep it.”

“What the heck was the point of all of this, then!” He nearly yells, slumping back in exasperation and I don’t hide my chuckles at the view of a hulking guy sulking in a chair two sizes too small for him like a child. 

“I don’t know, maybe to amuse myself? You’re funny when you’re angry,” I reply feeling smug.

And he is. The emotions so clearly displayed all over his face, every reaction is noticeable, almost like you could read his thoughts as he has them. 

Gon growls, narrowing his eyes at me as he glares. 

_He actually looks kind of… Cute._  

_ Wait, fuck! The fuck!?  _

_ No!  _

_ Shit!  _

_ This concussion is fucking with my head! _

“Okay, I made a few phone calls to some specialists I trust and here’s a list of who you should start with.” Nurse Cheadle comes back in with a folded paper in her hand, sitting down next to me on the bed before handing the list to me. “I don’t think it’s incredibly severe, you may be dizzy and sensitive to light but you still have enough cognitive function to hold conversations and interact.” She rises, walking over to the desk beside my head and picks up the cord phone from its receiver. “Who should we call? I think it’s important to get certain scans done immediately to ensure nothing worsens with your condition.” She asks, kindly.

“Oh, uh I—I can call someone using my phone. It’s fine.” Shaking my head in protest, to be perfectly honest, the last thing I want to do is call anyone in my family in public. 

_ Ah, shit. Who the fuck am I going to call? _

“Okay.” Comes Nurse Cheadle’s voice. “You can wait here for them.” She smiles, pleasantly. My head nods in return. 

“Nurse Cheadle, I’m not feeling too well.” A voice says from behind the woman and she turns, a girl holding her stomach in the entryway.  

“Excuse me, gentlemen.” She says to me and Gon before attending to the young girl, escorting her past the curtain that separates myself and the other bed.  

_ I can’t call Mother or Father but if I called the butlers, they’d report everything anyway.... _

The only person left was my brother Illumi. He could be a piece of shit but he was the lesser of three evils.

_ Damn, what about Alluka? And my car? Fuck. Fuck!  _

I dig into the front pocket of my jeans, thankful my fall hadn’t cracked the screen or harmed it otherwise. My fingers run over familiar keys and shoot a text to Mer.

_ Could be a concussion but I’m fine for now. I’ll have to call Illumi but Alluka still needs a way home and I know you do too so come by the nurse’s office next period and I’ll hand off my keys _

His reply comes a few seconds later.

_ Nah dude it’s cool. I’ll hit up Shoot for a ride, Alluka will get home fine don’t worry. Get your shit checked.  _

“Do you have someone you can call?” Gon asks over the screen of my phone and my eyes flicker over to his. 

“Hmm? Yeah, yeah I do. It’s fine, I’ll be fine. You can go, dude.” I nod towards the entryway in signal but Gon shakes his head. 

“Nuh uh, I don’t mind staying here with you.” He smiles at me in reassurance and it unnerves me,  _ he’s so fucking nice, how the fuck can one person be so damn pleasant?! _

“Whatever..”

I try to ignore his presence but I can’t stop thinking about the guy sitting a few feet away from me, his bravery and utter recklessness. 

The first time I noticed him was junior year, when everyone called him ‘townie’ behind his back—which was a lackluster insult, since Gon wasn’t from a small town, at all. 

He didn’t notice me. Nah, on the first day of school he sped right past me in the crowded hallway. I didn’t mind, he wasn’t yet a blip on my radar, anyway. A new kid? Dime a dozen each semester. Padoka High was a big school, easy to get lost in the shuffle. 

Or at least, that’s what I’d thought. 

It turned out he was in several of my classes, being asked continuously throughout the day to introduce himself. Each time he repeated the same things with the biggest smile.

“Hi! I’m Gon Freecss! I moved here with my parents Mito and Kite from Whale Island, we took a ship to get here! I hope we can all be friends!”

His joy, like the volume of his voice was not only several decibels too loud but also incredibly annoying.  _ Did he pop a molly before each period? _

After that, it was never hard to discern his voice from others in a crowded room. Gon was loud, boisterous and always smiling, always eager to make someone else smile or laugh. He was Wonder Boy, and it served him well. By the end of the week ‘townie’ was a faded memory and Gon Freecss had the school population inside of his pocket. By the end of the month, he was not only part of the football team, he was the captain. 

That alone wasn’t what had interested me, wasn’t what prompted me to nickname him or become familiar with him from afar. It was the fact he never withered under my gaze, he was never afraid to confront me whether asking for a pencil or time of day. Everyone in school had their own judgements about me, the notorious Killua Zoldyck—low life, drug dealer, bad news kind of guy. People parted like the fucking Red Sea when I walked into a room, avoided eye contact altogether. 

But not Gon, no, Gon Freecss continuously pushed the boundaries. He wasn’t afraid of me, even now. 

He was… He was… 

_ Incredibly interesting. _

The bell rings out, breaking up the peace Gon and I shared. We both jump at the high pitch sound but Gon recovers quickly, opening his hardcover book to hold his papers in pristine condition inside and pushing the led of his mechanical pencil back inside its casing. 

He looks up at me, eyes apologetic. “Ah, uh I have a class this period, so...I hope you get better, Killua.” He sends a smile my way, pushing everything into his book bag before rising.

“See ya, Gon.” I reply and he nods, waving before turning his back to me and dashing into the hallway. 

Sighing, I prepare myself for the worst part of this entire ordeal. I have to call Illumi. 

_ Fuck. _

The picture of my sister and I reflects itself back at me before the screen turns dark, lighting it up again I gather the strength to dial my brother’s number. Dread makes my skin feel cold and clammy. 

_ Just do it, just fucking do it! _

Unease sets in the pit of my stomach like coiled lead. Groaning low under my breath, my fingers switch the screen back on before unlocking the phone altogether and clicking through my contacts list before my finger hovers over the ‘Call’ button. 

_ Do. It.  _

Thumb slamming down, my heart pounds so hard I wonder if Nurse Cheadle can hear it through the curtain. The phone rings once before pressing it to my ear. 

“Kill?” My brother’s monotone voice answers sooner than I thought he’d would. 

“H-Hey uhh...” Clearing the nervousness out of my throat, the coil in my stomach making me feel the urge to vomit. Or maybe that’s still the disgusting color of the walls here?

“Do not say ‘uh’, that’s not something you say in conversation, Kill.” Illumi scolds me with no change in tone, my palms begin to sweat. 

Shaking my head to regain my bearings, I reply. “Yeah. Right, sorry. I’m at school in the nurse’s office, I took a spill and hit my head.”

The receiving end goes quiet and I wonder for a moment if the call was dropped or Illumi had hung up. “Hit your head?” His voice finally comes, this time inquisitive. 

“Y-Yeah. The nurse thinks it might be a concussion.” There’s no way in hell I’d ever tell my brother about this skateboarding incident. He doesn’t even think Mer or Moogs are a good influence on me, my family fucking hates them. Then again, they hate anyone who isn’t in their bullshit elite circle. 

“Oh, Kill. Don’t tell me you believe that, what does a school nurse know?” Illumi shits all over Nurse Cheadle even though she’s got degrees possibly more expensive than his. 

I hate this shit, hate the way he talks people down, hate the way I can’t tell him anything because if I do… If I do...

“Right. Well, she gave me a list of doctors to go—”

“No,” My brother interrupts swiftly. “Don’t worry about that. We’ll use our doctors. I’m picking you up. Do be ready.” The line goes silent, this time pulling my phone away from my ear shows my screen set back to my home icons. 

Sighing shakily, my sweaty palms wipe against denim. My stomach stops its coiling and flipping for a moment.

My eyes flicker towards the chair Gon once sat in, slightly delusional and hopeful that maybe he’d be there with another disarming smile. But I’m met with an empty chair and disappointment. 

Nurse Cheadle returns to check up on me and we make small conversation as students occasionally filter in throughout the next forty-five minutes. She’s an altogether pleasant woman and I find out she has two dogs and a cat—but she has to keep the cat away from one of the dog’s due to the fact they seem to hate each other. 

She’s in the middle of telling me how the cat and hated dog once ruined a date she had invited to her home when my brother’s lithe figure looms in the hall entryway.

“Killu.” Pins and needles run up my arms at the sound of Illumi’s voice, I turn as if on command to face him on the office bed. Illumi’s in his proper business attire: a black fitted business suit, long black hair swept back in a ponytail off his shoulders. 

Not many would think the 6 foot male with a figure like a toothpick was my brother. 

_ Small victories? _

“Oh, hello! I’m Nurse Cheadle, are you a relative of Killua’s?” Nurse Cheadle rises, smile on her face as she greets my brother. 

Illumi hardly spares Cheadle a glance. “Thank you for keeping my brother company, Nurse Cheadle. Killu, are you ready?” His black eyes regard me, a feeling he’s telling me we need to get going immediately.

“Y-yeah.” Clearing my throat and rising, ignoring the way my head spins. “Thanks Nurse Cheadle. Hopefully I won’t have to see you, again.” 

Nurse Cheadle laughs, “The feeling’s mutual, Killua. Take care of yourself.” Her tone still kind and earnest.

A sense of warmth fills me, makes my skin burn. Her words are sincere, she means what she says. Knowing this stranger worries makes me feel awkward as shit. 

We leave the office behind, Illumi’s sleek Mercedes-Benz standing out as the nicest car in the school parking lot. 

“Don’t worry about your car, I’ll have Gotoh come to retrieve it later. Give me your keys.” Illumi demands as soon as my ass hits the leather seat. My hands dig into pockets without hesitation, placing the keys in my brother’s hands. 

The doctor’s visit is uneventful, with Illumi pulling into a several story high hospital and guiding us through a myriad of hallways and elevators. The doctor is kind, instructing me through a number of scans and tests, some of them resembling the ones Nurse Cheadle did on my eyes. 

It’s concluded my concussion is not severe, the trauma mild and the doctor believes my symptoms will let up within one to two weeks. 

_ Small fucking victories? _

The ride home is rife with silence, I even feign sleep to get out of any interaction with my brother. 

He doesn’t respond in kind.

“Don’t you feel better being looked over by a real doctor instead of your school nurse? We can apply treatment accordingly."

_ Nurse Cheadle is a fucking doctor _ , I want to tell him. I don’t. 

Peeking an eye open, the long driveway of my parents’ estate comes into view. The ostentatious three-story mansion still looks ominous, even with the sun shining behind it. The outside is perfectly telling of the money my family could throw around. 

Even though I’d lived in this home my entire life, the white exterior had never chipped or stained, never dirtied or faded. The blue-gray brick roofing had routine maintenance over the course of my life and stayed the same. Our home was immaculate for a reason. 

My parents were giant fucking brags and this was my father’s equivalent of saying “my dick’s bigger than yours.”

_ Fucking politics _ .

Relief floods me when reaching the inside of my home, ready to fall face fucking first into my bed. It called to me.

“Oh, Killua, Illumi, you’re home!” Kikyo, my mother’s voice comes from the living room. 

_ Shit _ .

“I won’t be for long, I need to be back in the office, shortly.” Illumi replies, setting his satchel down for a moment as he wanders into the kitchen. 

“Of course, son. Killu, please come and sit.” My mother waves me over, white hair so like mine high up in a bun. But her eyes resemble my brothers’, black and deep, a void. Her smile over a sharp chin greets me. 

Alarms go off in my head, telling me not to listen but knowing there’s no other choice. 

“What do you need, Mother?” I reply, walking over and she reaches hands out to pull me down beside her on our black suede couch. 

Red painted lips smile wide. “Oh, I have wonderful news! Pariston Hill is hosting a gala, the family’s been invited. It’s the perfect event for your debut!” Her high-pitched voice nearly sing-songs. 

_ But I must have heard wrong. _ “My what?”

“Killua, dear, you’re a senior in high school. You’ll need to start networking, the expectations—”

Right, the  _ expectations _ set upon me without permission, without even asking. The  _ expectations _ to be someone like them. Leeches, sucking off whoever they find most wealthy or powerful. All for a name, for status.

“I’m not going to some stuffy lawyer party where everyone is too drunk to give a—”

My head turns swiftly to the side, flesh of my cheek burning. I don’t know she’s slapped me until it’s already over. 

“Killua.” Her voice is low, deadly. My mother has never been one to shout when she’s angry, it’s more frightening when she’s quiet. Cold fingers and sharp nails dig into the skin of my jaw, my mother turns my head towards her and a part of me wishes I had the sweet relief of Nurse Cheadle instead. 

“Killua, you are my son and a Zoldyck. Your father and I have given you a truly blessed life, we’ve even planned your future so you wouldn’t have to worry.” Her voice puts on a false cheeriness and my mother’s eyes are like black ice. “Your father heads Zoldyck Firm, several of your brother’s have been more than happy to recognize their place and fall in line. You will do the same.” Her fingers tighten, my skin sinking under her hold and my jaw begins to ache. “Do you understand me?” Her voice shakes, I can sense her anger at my dismissal. My teeth gnash together.

“Mother, do be careful. Killu is concussed, perhaps an injury to the face is not wise.” Illumi’s voice comes from behind me, not worried or angry. He’s talking like she just asked what his lunch plans were.

“Yes, of course.” Her claws let up, though even in their absence my skin pricks in their stead. 

_ Fuck, that hurts!  _

My mother uses her palm to rub over my jaw in comfort though it does little to help and I flinch at her touch.  

She smiles wide, teeth showing. “Killu, my son, please wash up and rest. Tsubone will be making lunch promptly.” She instructs and I swallow, hard.

“Yes, Mother.” 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! We're at chapter 3 now and I should tell you that this chapter DOES get VERY dark. Trigger Warning for homophobia, transphobia, binding, physical & verbal abuse. This could prove to be a tough read but I felt things like this were important to address. If you're still with me.. Then, here we go..

_ “And if you had a bad week _

_ I will sing you to sleep _

_ Oh and I'll be there waiting _

_ If you start to get jaded _

_ I know things are changing _

_ But, darling, I'm saying _

_ I've been here all along” _

_ "Dog Years"- Maggie Rogers _

* * *

 

It happens with my dick in my hands. 

No, really. 

I’m in the school bathroom taking a piss when I feel someone’s hot breath across my cheek. 

“Hey, Killua..”

I almost piss all over myself, flinching and taking several fucking steps back. Fear and embarrassment coursing through me.

“Yo! Shit! What the fuck, man?!” My voice echoes off bathroom walls, my previous emotions giving way to anger as I stare down the rotund form of Tonpa. An all-around weird motherfucker who popped way too much X, in my opinion.

The tan skin of his cheeks turns a deep red, he at least has the decency to look properly abashed. “Oh! I-I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to--” He starts when I interrupt him. 

“Didn’t mean to sneak up on a dude when he’s taking a piss?” It’s at this point I realize my dick is still hanging out, my face flushing while I try and obtain some semblance of fucking modesty. 

_ No one _ needs to hear about how Tonpa saw my dick in the school bathroom.

“I didn’t mean it like that!” He insists, looking a little angry at my accusations this time. I sigh, shaking my head and trying to move on from the humiliation. 

After my privates are  _ actually private, _ I wash my hands thoroughly in the school bathroom sink. Gazing at Tonpa through the school mirror, “What the fuck do you want, anyway?” 

“Do you have-” He pauses, looking around before checking below bathroom stalls for anyone else inside. 

_ Ah. I get it, now. _

_ Ah, fuck. Someone used up all the damn napkins!  _

_ Fuck it, I’ll use my pants. _

“Do you have the stuff?” He asks, conspiratorially and leaning closer to me.

My eyes narrow, “There was no way you could wait until after my dick was back in my pants before asking that question?”

“I said I was sorry!” He’s wide eyed and waving his hands in front of him in defense. 

I sigh before digging into my bag, fingers finding the secret pouch I had sewn into the lining where I hid my contraband. There was no way in hell that the school’s hardass, Vice Principal Bisky, was ever going to random search me and find shit. 

“How much do you want?” Fingers finding purchase within the lining and making contact with baggies.

“I only have 20 bucks on me, right now.” He replies and I nod.

“Then you’ll only get 20 bucks’ worth. Two tabs.”

Tonpa seems flabbergasted, “What?! I got three tabs for the same price just a few weeks ago!” His face deepens into that red shade again, clearly unhappy at the abrupt change. Whatever, it was his fault for always buying up my X pills anyway.

Shrugging, I reply “What can I say? Fucking inflation. You get two or you can get the fuck out.” My head nods behind him to the bathroom’s door. 

I wasn’t the one who set prices, in any case, Hisoka was. And after asking him to double up on the pills, he had decided to run them for a greater turnover and profit rate.

Drug dealing, though illegal, was still a fucking business.

_ My parents should be proud. _

“Alright, fine. Two is good.”

We exchange money and drugs before Tonpa walks out and all is quiet again inside Padokea High’s boy’s restroom. 

It’s been two weeks since my concussion and I’d only just been back to school a couple days, having to opt out for half days recently due to my head injury. If that wasn’t the worst part, my parents had also taken away my car as they doubted my ability to even fucking drive. Our butlers Tsubone or Gotoh were always waiting, parked in an incredibly expensive looking sedan either at school or driveway at home.

I assume this was half concern for my well being and half wanting to keep me home to exert more control but if they thought I wouldn’t bust ass to dodge them, they were wrong. 

I had to get creative in the ways me and my sister avoided my brothers and mother. Sometimes Alluka would hide in my room or on the few days she got too antsy, we would hang out in a much smaller estate down the long driveway belonging to the Butler’s. 

I hardly had the chance to see Meruem or Moogs outside a few shared classes and a lunch period at school, it felt weird as fuck and I knew it affected my sister.

But today was the day. Gotoh handing off the keys to me in lieu of my mother this morning felt like the fucking highlight of goddamn life—okay, maybe my  _ year _ , not my life. 

Walking through Moogs’ house earlier was like finding sanctuary, Alluka had sped off like a rocket straight to Moogs’ room, knowing the layout of the place even with her eyes closed. Moogs’ house was the one place besides the mansion we spent most of our time at, unless I was out running a few  _ not-so-legal _ errands with Mer.

Beyond this fucking bathroom debacle, today has been going pretty well and I was in absolute goddamn relief about it. Me and my sister would finally be able to stay away from the mansion after school until mother called us back home for dinner or some other stupid excuse.  

I’m headed back to Knov’s class when my phone pings with a notification in my pocket. A text message from an unsaved number.

_ Yo Killua! Herd u have sum free time, come chill on the 4th floor!  _

It doesn’t take me long to realize the text message is from Shalnark with his shitty lingo. 

_ I guess Tonpa’s already opened his big ass mouth.. _

When it came to drug dealing, I took every precaution necessary. Even going so far as to tell every customer not to call or text or even fucking  _ email  _ me about any drug deals whatsoever. Asking to “chill” was my calling card. 

If, for any reason, sneaking suspicion arose and I was checked all that would be found are messages from ‘friends’ asking me to hang out with them. _ Innocent high school kid shit _ .

_ How long had I been gone from class already? Fuck it _ . Knov is already likely going to bitch me out for leaving so close to the bell, might as well make up for lost time and money

I was packing heavy since only half days were allowed these past two weeks. I needed to get rid of some shit.

The fourth floor was possibly one of the best and worst places at this school. It was an unfinished floor, half the hallway and class rooms made up while the other half had been under construction since the summer before my junior year. 

It was the worst because my brilliant class mates used it as a floor to ditch, and it was turning into the grungiest part of the school since none of the school’s staff ever bothered to clean it up. 

People were always popping acid or X on this floor, taking a few tokes of weed and using it as their personal dumpster.

It was the best because at the end of the long hall, there was a door that opened to a staircase which lead up to the roof of the school. And no one ever went there, too obvious of a place to get caught doing anything. 

But it was my own secret place, sometimes. When the world got too loud, when shit was too heavy and Moogs and Mer couldn’t fix it, I would just go out and be alone. Sometimes I needed it. 

“Yo, Kill! Down here! What’s up, dude?” Shalnark’s profile comes into view, chin length blonde hair looking more like a dirty possum on his head. He’s a few steps away from the stairs, leaning against a wall near a closed classroom door. 

He’s with two dudes I notice as his constants, Uvogin and Feitan.

They sometimes made me uneasy. Uvogin was a huge dude, his height and brawn possibly matching Wonder Boy’s. But Feitan was small-ridiculously small, smaller than fucking Alluka and he constantly hid behind dark black hair and hoodies. When I would come around, they just stared and that shit made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. 

The ironic thing about the entire situation was I sold drugs to all three of these dudes yet I’d never spoken a single word to either Uvogin or Feitan. Not that they were mute, I watched them talk and interact with Shalnark from afar sometimes but they never said anything to anyone else. Shalnark was my only connection to these fucks. 

Coughing to clear my throat, I nod my head in greeting while approaching. “‘Sup, man? The usual?” I offer, fingers flexing around the black straps of my bag.

The usual being several grams of weed. 

Shalnark smiles, blue-green eyes still hazy from whatever he’d taken before I got up here.  _ No wonder he’s so goddamn cheery to see me. _

“Yeah, dude! We ran out of Mer’s stuff a little while ago and I heard you were back in school! You got injured, huh?” Glassy and unsettled eyes regard me, I have to bite back my discomfort. I hated dealing with people  _ while _ they were high. 

Sure, I was a dealer but that’s it. I deal and they get the fuck away from me and do that shit somewhere else. Being around someone who was wildly under the influence was unsettling. It made them unpredictable, a little dangerous—hence Shalnark talking to me as if he isn’t usually tight lipped or cautious smiling when I walk into a room. 

My lips curl back in slight irritation and disgust.

“Yeah, just a small concussion. Nothing serious.” I swing my backpack around to my front and fish out some preweighed baggies of weed before handing them over.

“Oh, fuck! You chill, man?” Shalnark’s words ought to sound worried or surprised but he’s chuckling instead. Uvogin and Feitan standing on either side of him with blank faces.

_ Creepy as fuck!  _

“Yeah, I’m cool.” I summarize, because in reality I don’t know any of these guys and they don’t know me.

“Sweet!” Shalnark is already distracted with the baggies, pulling papers from his pocket and handing them to his short and dark haired friend, Feitan. He also passes me a few bills I know I need to count back before I leave. “Thanks for this shit, man.” He’s all giggles again and I don’t know what he’s under the influence of, only that I want no part in it. 

_ Okay. Be cool, Kill, don't look too eager. 20, 40, 60, 70...And 75.  _

_ Cool, perfect. Paid in full.  _

With all the cash in hand and drugs already sold, I turn my back to them and begin heading out.

“Hey, listen, man.” Shalnark calls, a sideways glance is all the guy is granted from me. “Do you uh-” His eyes search to and fro while he remains glued to his spot and my eyes narrow in confusion when he pauses for too long. “Uh, is there a way you can get me some ‘shrooms?” He licks his lips and smiles, tentatively at his own request.

_ ‘Shrooms-mushrooms _ , like acid, is something I never fucked with. It was hard shit that I witnessed as bad trips too many times. Mer was usually the one who would deal that part, we shared weed in common but shit like ‘shrooms and acid were Mer’s bread and butter. Ecstasy was mine.

It was a bit of an agreement we had, a way not to step on each other’s toes and take away any money or clientele.

My head shakes back and forth. “Nah, man. That’s not my forte, you’ll have to hit up Mer for that.”

“Oh, for sure, dude! Cool. See you later!” Shalnark gives me a short wave before turning back to his friends, it takes all my strength not to sneer when I watch Feitan nearly shove the blunt down the back of his throat. 

Not that the weed will be tainted but who has to shove the entire wrap into their mouth like that? A little saliva is necessary but  _ damn _ .

I don’t bother replying, opting instead to finally take my ass back to class. Two deals was good enough for this afternoon, I’m sure Shalnark and Tonpa would put the word out that I was back and selling. 

_ Knov’s gonna have my ass for this.  _

_ Should I tell him I had explosive diarrhea?  _

“Pop quiz, everyone! I do hope you read your chapters last night, this entire test is based on them!” Knov’s voice rang out loud as soon as my feet passed the class room doorstep. 

Groans echo from my classmates while I take my seat and Knov comes around passing sheets out. I can feel the weight of his stare on the back of my head while I keep my glance pointedly down at my desk. 

The rest of class is spent in silence while everyone bullshits the 10 chemistry questions Knov put together for us. 

When the bell rings for lunch, I’m out of my seat in a flash but it’s not quick enough.

“Killua, not so fast!” Knov’s voice booms over the sound of clanging desks and shuffling feet.

A hand clasps my shoulder and Mer’s face comes into my side view, giving me a wide eyed look. I know what he’s saying, I’m thinking it.

_ Fuuuuck! _

He squeezes briefly in reassurance, we speak without needing the words. We’d meet each other in the lunchroom after Knov gave me a fucking lecture.

_ Damn! Today’s spicy chicken sandwich day, too! _

Knov waits until every student has filtered out to address me, the minutes passing by feel more like hours. My palms start to sweat when I feel my rising anxiety.

My teacher pushes his glasses up higher on his nose, still sitting at his desk like he wasn’t about to whoop my ass using his words. 

I can feel my skin warm under the pressure, Knov clears his throat before he rises in his chair.

“Killua, would you mind explaining to me why a simple bathroom run took you 15 minutes?” His question sounds simple enough but the truth wouldn’t be.

“Explosive diarrhea?” I offer up in a less than impressive tone, shrugging my shoulders.

Knov crosses his arms in front of his chest, standing at his full height. “Why do I feel as if I shouldn’t believe you, Mr. Zoldyck?”

“I-”

He leans forward for a moment,“I am aware you’ve recently come back from an injury but-” He pulls back up and begins the small trek towards me “--it’s no excuse to begin slacking off in class or to ditch. Now, I won’t give you detention over this but I will say if you wish to use the restroom in my class again, someone will be chosen to escort you.” 

_ What.. The fuck?! _

“I don’t need a damn baby sitter t--”

“Apparently, you do.” Knov interrupts. “It may seem something flimsy to you, Killua and I understand that. But when someone puts their trust in you, you don’t throw it back in their face. When you give them your word, they will keep you at it--”

_ For fuck’s sake! _

My brows scrunch together, teeth gritting before I bite out. “This really can’t be that big of a deal?!”

“Oh, but it is.” Knov laughs without humor in his tone. “Killua, you’re in your last year of high school and you’ve been tardy several times this month alone, I’ve spoken to other teachers. There haven’t been enough to warrant a call home-- _ yet _ . You’re a brilliant kid, you excel in all of your courses but truant and delinquent behavior won’t get you far. Not in high school and certainly not out in the real world when you’re trying to make a living for yourself.” He scolds and I balk.

_ Is he really going to play the role of the teacher who believes in his students potential? Is this a goddamn Hallmark special? _

Sighing and scratching at my scalp to collect my calm. “Thanks for the concern, teach.” Comes my reply, a short smile sent his way before I’m walking right past him.

“You should at least set an example for your sister.”

I’m stopped dead in my tracks, hands balled to fists and hallway school lockers blur in my vision. 

“I know you mean well but don’t ever talk about my sister, again. You got that?” My voice is low, tone more threatening than intended but I don’t really give a fuck. _ No one _ talks to me about my fucking sister, especially some bullshit Chemistry teacher who’s never actually spoken to her more than a handful of times and even those in passing.

“I’m only trying--”

“That’s great and all but I really think this conversation is over. I gotta get to lunch.” I interrupt, hiking my bag up my back before getting the fuck out of dodge before he can say anything else.

_ Fuck Knov! What the fuck does he even know?! _

_ And how could he mention my sister?! He doesn’t know anything about Alluka, no one fucking does. No one but me, Mer and Moogs. We’re her family and everyone else are just goddamn outsiders! _

I wasn’t setting a bad example for her, was I? The tardies were definitely my fucking fault but.. Was I teaching my sister that it was okay to be late? Or that some sort of bad behavior was excusable? 

Moogs and Alluka were fully aware of the drug dealing Mer and I did. But we kept them out of the actual business of it, they never made contact with Hisoka, they never went along with me and Mer if we had to make a trip to someone’s house for a deal. And the only reason Alluka was even fucking aware of my drug dealing was because it allowed me to also get her hormone therapy pills under the table. I would pay Hisoka for them out of my pocket and I didn’t fucking ask where or how he got them, that part wasn’t my business.

And drug dealing wasn’t the end goal, it wasn’t all I wanted to do with my fucking life but it made ends meet. It was a prosperous way out of the abusive shithole we live in. Everything I do, I do for her and us. Alluka is my number one priority, _ I would fucking die for her.  _

But I’ll settle for giving her the best life I can, by any means necessary. 

“Killua! Hey! Hey, Killua!” 

My head turns out of sheer reflex to see a smiling and hulking Gon Freecss sprinting towards me. Literally. He’s fucking sprinting across the empty hallway to me and it’s a little fucking frightening. My muscles tighten, I freeze like a deer caught in headlights while this giant doofus runs the span of our distance before stopping a few feet in front of me.

_ What the fuck is going on today, man?  _

I hate the fact I have to crane my neck to look at Wonder Boy with his still too spiky hair. _ I really want to fucking know what he uses to keep it up like that. _ He wears a smile and that same lame ass Varsity jacket he likely even sleeps in. 

“Hey! Hi! How are you?” He beams, not even sweating from the distance he ran, he’s not even breathing hard. _ Fucking football players and their weird ass training. _

“Uh? Hi?” Is my reply, because I’m really wondering why the hell Gon Freecss is even standing in front of me, right now. 

I hadn’t actually spoken to him since the incident with the skateboard, what with no school for a week and then half days. It wasn’t as if seeking Gon out was my priority. If I’m being perfectly honest, I was kind of avoiding the dude. He made me nervous, the way he always smiled tripped me up. I found him interesting and that was enough a reason to bypass him, entirely. 

“Hi!” He laughed and it kind of made my insides turn in a funny way. I crossed my arms over my chest to stop it. “Sorry to spring down the hall at you like that, I just haven’t seen you in so long! I was a little worried that hitting your head was worse than we thought.” He looks a little bashful at this, shoulders drooping slightly.

I can feel the heat crawl from my neck up to my face  It irritates me a little that Gon’s words, him voicing his worry makes me feel pin pricks like needles in my hands. My arms uncross and hands sink into jean pockets. 

“Yeah, nah. It was just a concussion, wasn’t even bad, really. I just had half days and shit and now I’m back, so…” My voice trails off, and I’m looking anywhere but at Gon Freecss. The freckles across his nose and lightly splattering under his brown eyes are not what I’m paying attention to- _ they are not! _

_ Hmm.. this hallway is ugly even without a fucking concussion _ . Brown and then the lockers on either side of us are an off cream color which means they’re light enough to stain and graffiti on with markers.  _ Sorry ass interior decorator for this place. _

“Oh! Okay, cool!” Gon makes me snap back to reality. “I-I heard your friend got his skateboard back from Kurapika, by the way!”

“Hmm? Oh.” I snort, prompted by his words.

From what I heard, this Kurapika guy laid into Meruem. Scolded him really good about how skateboarding was against school policy to begin with and how he shouldn’t be so careless.  _ I wish I could have been there to see it! _ This, however, prompts another memory.

“Ah, shit! I didn’t apologize to your friend, yet. That uhh” Wracking my brain for his name and coming up short before throwing in the towel. I sigh. “Whatever his name is, the one I hit with the board? I uh I haven’t been to school so--wait, is that why you’re here? To make sure I make good on my word? Because I told you I would, dude.” My eyes narrow in suspicion, I hadn’t thought Wonder Boy could go about things so underhanded. Then again, he was the one who said we didn’t know each other. 

He’s wide eyed, shaking his head back and forth. I notice his hair doesn’t shake with the force of it. “N-no! No! That’s not why! I meant it when I said I wanted to make sure Killua was okay.” He nods this time, urging me with big brown eyes to believe him.

Clearing my throat to ignore how prickly my skin feels, I reply. “In any case, I don’t know who this dude is.” 

“Leorio? Oh. He’s usually with his partner, Kurapika. I think they’re doing a lab together this period, though. You’ll see him later!” Gon reassures me in a classic happy-go-lucky way. _ How the hell is he always so cheery? Not that it’s irritating it’s just.. Fucking weird. _

“Right. Well, anyway, I’m running late and gotta be somewhere so I’ll see you later.” I don’t think my feet will carry me away fast enough from this weird as shit exchange.

“Mhm! Okay! Bye Killua!” He smiles and waves a goodbye at me.

Gon Freecss turns back the way he came, in a direction that’s away from the cafeteria which surprises me slightly. 

Then I decide to mind my own fucking business and go about my day. 

I’m still buzzing a little, a weird feeling settling in my bones from seeing Gon Freecss. 

I decide to ignore it.

Quiet and semi empty hallways give way to the hustle and bustle of the school lunchroom which wasn’t even remotely large enough to hold all of Padokea High’s students 

_ Who the fuck thought a few dozen tables would be enough for close to almost two thousand students? _

I meandered my way around rectangle tables and benches, passing by half the school’s population and barely glancing at the long ass line I refuse to fucking stand in for a damn school sandwich.

“Yo, Kill!” Mer calls me, beckoning me towards the table we sat in nearly everyday. Moogs was beside him, chatting with my baby sister across the table from her. 

“Hey.” I greet and sit beside Alluk before stealing the chocolate pudding from her tray and popping open the lid.  _ Hello sweet, chocolatey fucking goodness!  _

“Hey! Brother!” Alluka takes notice, eyebrows furrowing before reaching out to swipe it back. I tease her and hold it away, stealing the plastic spork she has in addition using my other hand. “Get your own, buttface!” Her voice is shrill, face going red in frustration. 

Gasping in mock hurt, I reply to my little sister. “How dare you, after all I’ve done, call me a buttface?!”

“You’re acting like a butt!” She insists, loudly. “Give me my pudding, you butt!” She’s nearly out of her seat and climbing me for it.  _ The little brat! _

“Nah, think I’ll eat it ‘cause you’re being a brat.” To make it a point, I scoop a heaping lump of jiggly pudding and stuff my mouth with it. “Mmm!” I hum around it and my sister rolls her eyes, huffing before sitting back on the bench with crossed arms.  _ Yeah, she’s my little brat. _

“Dude, what the hell happened with Knov?” Mer grabs my attention, I turn my head to meet him before rolling my eyes.

I swallow slowly, stifling my anger with Knov’s nosy ass. Also not wanting Alluka to know what he’d said, exactly.

“Just some bullsh-- _ crap _ , dude.” My tongue runs across my lip, scooping up heavenly chocolate residue. “He said if I go to the bathroom during his class again, I’ll have to be escorted.” My head shakes back and forth for a moment.  _ A fucking escort? Seriously?  _

“What the hell?!” He pauses with his chicken sandwich mid-way to his mouth, green eyes wide and a look of disbelief written across his face.

“Yeah, man.” I nod in agreement.

“Wait, why would you need an escort?” Moogs chimes in, not knowing the full story because we didn’t share Knov’s class with her. 

“Kill took a dump during class and Knov was up in arms about it.” Mer explains plainly before going back to his school made food.

Another heap of chocolate is thrown down my gullet before I reply to Meruem’s bullshit answer. “I didn’t take a dump! Tonpa snuck up on my--on me in the bathroom.” A near slip up averted, not liking cursing around my sister in any form. I sneak a glance at her but she’s already distracted with tendrils of her hair, playing with the beads she has sporadically decorated across. 

“Dude, what?!” Mer near shouts, green eyes widening.

“Yeah, man! I was taking a damn piss--”

“Ew! Oh my god, brother, stop!” Alluka yells, cringing and blocking her ears.

“Ah, shut up. You act like you don’t fart when you’re around me.” 

“Shut up, you’re so gross!” She’s red in the face again and I can’t help myself but to embarrass this adorable girl. 

“Whatever, squirt.” I spoon the rest of the chocolate pudding, stuffing it into my mouth before getting back to my conversation with Mer. “But yeah, dude. Tonpa snuck up behind me and I swear I almost died, bro. And then I got a text from Shalnark on the fourth floor, so--” I shrug in explanation and Mer nods in understanding. 

“Oh, okay.” Moogs pitches in, white hair bobbing up and down as she nods. “Yeah, now I see why Knov would be pissed. That was kind of stupid.” She taps the tips of her fingers against her lower lip out of habit.

“Moogs, as always, the voice of reason.” Mer laughs at Moogs’ absolute bluntness. But that was just part of her character.

“But still, an escort?!” I complain, throwing my hands up in defeat before sighing.

“Knov is self-righteous as hell.” Mer snides.

“He’s an asswipe is what he is.” I say and we all snort, sans Alluk.

“Anyway! Hey.. Brother..” Alluk knocks my shoulder with her own and gives me a sweet look that makes me immediately suspicious. 

This was her ‘ _ I’m up to no good _ ’ look. 

“No.” Comes my immediate response. 

Whenever this look appears, she asks for something ridiculous. Like a trip to the mall or she wants to miss school because getting up in the morning is hard as fuck.

“I haven’t even asked you, yet!” She pouts.

Shrugging, I reply. “I get the feeling I want to say no, anyway.” 

“Brother!”

“Yes, baby sister?” Eyebrows raised in anticipation of her words, attention fully given to the attention seeker.

“Machi’s having a house party this weekend and I want to go.” She smiles, reaching for both my hands and cradling them, as if sweet moves will make me say yes to an  _ insane _ fucking request like that.

“Absolutely  _ fucking _ not.”

Machi, a current classmate in my grade, was an absolute party monster. This chick threw the most wildest fucking parties this side of the country and she throws them only twice a year. I’ve never been to one but rumors spread, even to my inner circle. And those parties are not a place I’d like to end up going.

People ended up in the hospital those nights, cops almost always broke it up because neighbors called, property damage of some sort was expected.

“What?!” Alluka looked almost crestfallen.  _ Fuck that, I’m not faltering. _

“Kill, come on. You can’t just flat out deny her like that.” Moogs tries to convince me otherwise and for some reason I feel like they’re conspiring against me. 

“I sure as shit can!” 

“Language!” She scolds, looking seemingly exasperated, blue eyes widening and black eyebrows lifting.  _ Goddamn my word vomit! _

“Come on! Come on, please! You know mother won’t let me out unless I’m with you! And-and, added bonus! If you come with me, then you can watch over me and make sure no funny business happens!” Alluka begs me, shaking my arm back and forth. Her lips are set in a pout, blue eyes getting big like Puss in boots. 

_ Ah, fuck! _

“Why do you want to go, anyway?!” I pull my arm out of her hold, rubbing how sore my shoulder feels from the rapid back and forth. “Do you know what happens at most of Machi’s parties?”

She nods, rapidly. “Everyone has a great time and lives to tell the story!” Alluk’s smile a mile wide across her face.

I snort. “Barely. The cops hit that place nearly every time. On top of that, didn’t Ikalgo get alcohol poisoning one weekend?” Last part directed at my boy, Mer.

“That was his fault!” Alluka jumps into my view, blocking Meruem.

“Alluka doesn’t even drink, dude.” Mer’s voice is thrown and my sister finally takes a step back, only to smile and nod along with my best friend.

_ Traitors, all of them! _

“That’s not the point! Other people do!” It didn’t matter what my sister would do for precautions, if some drunk asshole wanted to try something, then they would. 

“Kill, you can’t keep her cooped up like this. Let her have some fun.” Moogs tries to convince me.

“Thank you, Moogsy.” Alluka replies looking seemingly pleased.

“Yeah, dude.” Mer sighs and I knew I lost the fight. “I gotta agree with Moogsy on this. Besides, we’ll be with you--”

“No, we will not.” Moogs cuts in quickly.

“What?” Me and Mer ask at the same time.  _ Because what?!? _

“Youpi’s recital is this weekend, babe.” Moogs pops a fry in her mouth, brows furrowed likely in frustration that Mer has the memory of a goldfish. 

“Aw, damn! That’s this weekend?!” Mer hunches over in thought, elbows resting wide on the cheap plastic table.

Moogs is in the middle of munching on a fry when she replies, head nodding and blue eyes staring into the distance. “Mhm!” 

“Well, damn.” Mer shrugs, turning to me and tilting his head. “Guess you’re on your own with this, then.” He says.

_ Goddamnit! _

“You fuckers are going to make me go to a party I don’t want to go to and I have to go  _ without you _ ?!” I throw my spork down in a fit, sighing in irritation. My hands scrub over my face and I growl.  _ This is going to be hell, I hate people, I fucking hate parties! Shit! _

“Yes!” Alluka yells, jumping up and down in her seat. “Thank you, thank you, thank you brother! I love you!” She squeals, clapping her hands together before laying a kiss on my cheek.

_ I didn’t even fucking say yes! _

But before a word can escape my mouth, Alluka is already skipping off across the lunch room and towards her friends. 

_ Who am I kidding? I would have said yes eventually. _

_ Fuck. _

“Hey, at least you guys could come back to my place afterward? I’m sure your parents wouldn’t exactly agree with you guys stumbling through their doors at 1 A.M. or something.” Moogs offers and the suggestion isn’t bad.

_ But, fuck. _

“I hadn’t even considered that.” I groan. There was no way me and Alluka could fucking sneak out at night only to stumble inside later and likely louder. My mother would ground me for life, my brother’s would watch us like fucking hawks. 

“Babe, we’re hosting a sleepover?!” Mer is excited, we hadn’t had one since summer. Alluka not wanting to stay around home and my feelings the same. 

“I could ask my mom, yeah.” Moogs shrugs and my smile grows to match Mer’s.  _ Fuck yeah! _

“Dude, I fucking miss Pitou’s cooking!” 

Moogs’ mom could be a fucking _ chef _ , I swear to god. That woman had otherworldly skills and I had been missing out on that shit due to my having a stupid ass concussion.

Mer laughs. “You’re telling me! It’s just been my fatass eating up her food lately, she’s pissed!” Mer leans forward toward me. “Dude, I swear I thought she would hit me over the head with a frying pan.” His eyebrows go up, eyes widening in exaggeration.

I don’t bother covering my mouth when I throw my head back in laughter.

Mer, like me and Alluka was always at Moogs’ place.

Not just because they were a couple, but because his mother was constantly working. That was Mer’s reason for always dealing the hard shit. X and weed could always only get you so far when you’ve got more than one person dealing at the end of the day. Mer wasn’t granted the privilege I was, he didn’t live in a several story home, he wasn’t gifted cars, he didn’t have butlers.

All Mer had was his mother, Kim. And she was one of the most hardest working women I’d ever met in my life, busting her ass with several jobs just to keep the lights on since I could remember. Mer and I weren’t legal to work yet which is how this seedy drug dealing business got started. He deals to put food on the table and keep the lights on,I deal to provide at least some kind of cushion to fall back onto when things get rough and hit the fucking fan with my family, which I know it will, eventually. 

We do all we have to for the ones we love, it’s something Mer and I were the same at heart with, not having to say it out loud. It’s another factor that made our bond strong. 

My cell phone vibrates rather violently in my pocket, and a quick glance at the screen alerts me that  _ “Mother” _ is calling. Apparently, happy moments aren’t allowed to stay happy for long in my life. 

_ Nothing good ever comes when this fucking woman calls me.  _

“Hey, I’ll be right back.” I tell the couple sitting across me and Mer nods in acknowledgement before I pull off the bench and rush through the back of the cafeteria and outside to a quiet spot. My phone is still vibrating in my hand. 

I have to clear my throat before I answer, feeling dread pool in my gut. “Hello?”

“Killu! My dear boy, I have some exciting news!” My mother chirps, happily. I get the feeling she’s likely past her third wine glass even though it’s the middle of the day.

And good news from my mother usually meant bad news. Bad news is not something I wanted to hear today.

“What news?” I bite.

“Yes! Yes, dear! Your father will be coming home tonight!” My mother sounds absolutely ecstatic, but her words knock me breathless like a kick to the stomach. 

“What?!”

“He will be home for dinner with all of us, so I do expect you and your brother home promptly. Tsubone is making your father’s favorite: prime rib!” She instructs while I shake my head back and forth. 

“I--”

“Do make sure your brother dresses appropriately. You know how your father becomes when he see’s such backward behavior!” She laughs and it sounds like nails against chalkboard. 

My mother doesn’t bother with a goodbye, simply hanging up as dismissal and leaving me frozen with a phone to my ear.

“Oh fuck… Oh fuck!” My hand drops before I use the other to comb through my shitty, thick hair. My stomach churns, feeling as if the pudding I previously scarfed down was about to make its way back up and out. 

“Hey, are you alright?” An unfamiliar voice calls from beside me, black laced up dress shoes in my periphery before I shift. Looking up to meet two pairs of eyes. 

A blonde guy with brown eyes standing next to another who was not only several inches taller than him with brown hair and funky glasses, but he looked a little too old to still even be a teenager. I don’t know which of them spoke to me.

_ Am I alright? Am I fucking alright?! _

“I--”

“Sorry, is your name Killua?” The one who asked me how I was doing is confirmed not to be the blonde, as his voice is softer, lighter. 

_ I need to find Alluka.. _

_ Wait. _

“What? Uh-yeah?” I blink, unaware of what to make with my current situation. Nothing was making sense right now, I only had the urge to find Alluka.  _ Then run away with her and never fucking turn back.  _

The blonde looks smug, crossing arms over his chest and the guy beside him suddenly has wide eyes.

“C-can I help you?” My irritation is spiking, they’re wasting my fucking time.  _ I need to find my sister! _

“Oh, sorry! My name is Leorio and this is my partner, Kurapika!” The John Lennon looking dude beside him says, a soft smile on his face and I balk. 

_ You’re fucking shitting me? _

_ I do not have the time for this shit.  _

I blink, stumbling out of an irritated daze. “Look, I-I know I owe you an apology or whatever but I really do not have time for this right now.” I know I’m being shitty, my tone is harsh, my words are harsher. 

“Is something wrong?”

“The hell you don’t!”

Both voices come at once, Leorio looks more concerned while his counterpart looks pissed. Downright  _ offended.  _

“For fuck’s--” I groan, pinching the spot between my eyes at the bridge of my nose. “Sorry for fucking knocking you over or whatever. You seem to be alright, I’m glad. But I need to go. Now.” I shove past them, walking my way back towards the cafeteria doors. 

“Hey.” Leorio’s voice calls out to me, hand clamping down on my shoulder to stop me. I bristle, turning back swiftly. “If there’s something wrong--”

“I’m cool dude, thanks.” I shove his hand off my shoulder, I don’t have time to wonder why the fuck a complete stranger would be concerned or why his asshole stranger partner would be so fucking pissed off at me in the first place. 

_ I don’t care enough, anyway. _

“You call that an apology, lowlife?!” The blonde, Kurapika yells after me while I pull lunchroom doors open. I snort in derision, raising my arm up to him and giving a thumbs up out of fucking spite.

“I do, Pikachu!” I remember the nickname Gon told me about and a swift glance back to them shows Leorio a little wide eyed and Kurapika pale as hell.  _ Good. _

If either of them says anything else to me, I don’t hear it.  _ I don’t fucking care. _ Alluka is the only person I want-- _ need _ to see, right now.  

Silva, my father, is the most frightening man in my life. My mother and brothers used physical abuse to their advantage, but my father never had to raise a finger. His presence was ominous enough, the sound of his voice could make my bones rattle inside me. 

And he was worse to Alluka. Neither of my parents believed she was a girl, my father was the most strict in this belief. 

It was only lucky for us that he worked so often, he was hardly ever home before the late hours of night and he left early hours in the morning. Some nights he even slept at his own office. When he came home at a decent time, it was a fucking event for the family but it was a nightmare for my sweet, baby sister.

Because she couldn’t be a girl when he was around. 

I find my little sister at a table in the middle of the lunch room, talking animatedly surrounded by her friends with the biggest smile. I bypass formalities with them, it’s not as if they had the guts to speak to me, anyway.

“Hey, Alluka...”

She stops mid-sentence, turning to me and beaming. “Brother! Hi!”

“Alluka, we need to talk.” My lips purse, heart races and my palms are starting to sweat so I have to stuff them into my pockets.

Her smile is wiped from her face at the sound of me using her full name and not her nickname. 

“Wh-what’s wrong?” She tries to put the smile back but it doesn’t reach her eyes, I shake my head in reply. A part of me is panicking inside but I don’t want her to know it. 

“Come with me, yeah?” My head nods towards the cafeteria doors leading back into the school instead of out. 

Her following me is the reply she gives, my hand wraps around hers protectively while speed walking out of the loud hell hole that was the school lunchroom. Everything felt a little too overwhelming. Too many bodies in one room, too much loud, just drowning in a cacophony of sound. 

“Okay, will you tell me what’s wrong now?” She asks when we’ve reached a decent hallway, hardly any students lingering in between. She pulls her hand from mine, wiping it on her sweater dress and I inwardly cringe at my nervous sweating. 

I sigh, bending slightly to her eye level as we were nearly the same height. “I’m going to tell you something and I need you not to panic.” Blue eyes bore into blue eyes.

“I’m panicking already, brother.” She grimaces, searching my face as if it’ll tell her all my secrets. 

“Okay…” I take a deep breath, having to psyche myself up to tell her. “Okay, look. I’ll protect you, I promise.” I almost can’t say the next part but push it out between a clenched jaw. “Father is coming home tonight.”

“What?!” She squawks, going pale and my arms immediately wrap around her, pushing her head into the crook of my neck. She trembles against me. 

“Hey, shh! No, it’s okay. It’ll be okay, he’s come home before, Alluk. It’ll be okay, yeah?” I speak into the crown of her head, her body is slightly limp against mine. I know she’s dreading this, more than I could possibly imagine and it doesn’t make this any fucking easier.

“I don’t want to. Brother, I don’t want to do it!” She whines, shaking her head against my chest. “I’m scared.”

“It’ll be okay.” I promise her but I don’t even fucking know if it will be. 

I decide then and there that I don’t want either of us to be around the school of assholes, so I lead Alluka up four stories, past the idiots ditching class and up to the roof of the school building. My baby sister doesn’t make a sound of refusal the whole walkway up. 

Fresh breeze hits our faces, blowing my sister’s long hair back and ruffling her sweater dress. It’s nearly September and the leaves on trees are changing color, the air getting slightly colder. But today is a nice day. 

“It’s pretty up here, brother.” Alluk says from beside me, and she’s right. You can see several miles long from the rooftop, hear the hustle and bustle of Padokea’s city. Cars honking and kids yelling down below us. It’s a little like being apart of the world without  _ actually _ having to be  _ in it _ .

I think it’s what we both need at this current moment. 

I lead my sister further towards the edge of the roof’s building and we sit together. 

My phone buzzes, a text from Mer.

_ Yo, where you at dude? What happened? _

My fingers tap rapidly over touch keyboard.

_ Silva’s coming home tonight. Needed to get Alluka out and calm. Shit I don’t know man. _

His reply comes seconds later, my sister leans over to read my screen. I almost elbow her nosy ass out of the way but resist the temptation. 

_ Shit, bro!! _

_ Me and Moogs are here when you need us. _

Alluka’s breath catches, looking up to me with a watery smile.

“See? Everyone’s here, Alluk.” I rub her back, hoping to soothe her and she leans into me.

Alluka is our little sister, blood related or not. Our circle of three was a family and our pain was shared. 

The rest of lunch goes by quickly, as does the rest of the day much to mine and my sister’s dismay.

The ride home is tense, silent. I can’t even bring myself to crack any kind of joke. There’s a heavy weight in the pit of my stomach, and if I open my mouth I could puke it all over my fucking steering wheel. 

We bypass the greetings of our butlers who stand in the doorway of our mansion and I’m relieved when neither of my brothers nor my mother are in the living room when we arrive. 

Alluka rushes past me, head down and walking at too fast a pace to be deemed normal. 

“Alluk,--”

“I’ll wait for you in my room.”

My heart fucking breaks, feels like it shatters into a million pieces when my baby sister doesn’t spare me another glance. She veers right and disappears through the long hallway, going to the exact place she promised to wait for me at. The quick pounding of her feet down stairway steps is all my ears catch before they softly fade away and a door is quickly opened, then closed. 

“Ah, Killu! My dear, sweet boy! You’re home now, wonderful! Your father should be home shortly, please get yourself out of those clothes and into something respectable!” My mother is smiling wide, teeth stark white like our matching hair.

But her eyes, like her heart, are a fucking pit. 

_ Those clothes _ being my green skinny jeans, black muscle tee shirt and light blue sweater.  _ Respectable _ . What she really meant was to dress more like my brothers. Button downs, loose fitting pants, combed hair. 

My parents hated anything that wasn’t traditional--they hated that Alluka was transgender, so much that they ignored it completely and considered her a boy. 

Could only imagine what they’d do the day they found out their prodigal son was gay and had, in fact,  _ sucked dick _ before. 

My mother stood several inches above me, she pulled out her nice shoes for this evening but she was bound to ruin the designer label evening dress she was wearing with the glass of wine in her hands. 

Kikyo was a fucking alcoholic, being a soul sucking attorney by day and play mother at night. 

I nod at her command, not in the mood for bullshit at this point, before following down the same hallway Alluka did but instead of heading downstairs, kept heading straight until I hit a different staircase and went up. My room was the second doorway on the right. 

I couldn’t recall a time my parents showed each other affection, couldn’t remember a time when my father was around enough to say more than a few words to all of us in years. But when he did come around, it was an occasion to be carefully put together. A celebration of some sort.

_ Scumbag!  _ I despised him for nights like this, alone. My fear was giving way to anger.

The best clothes in my closet for this exact kind of occasion was certainly something out of my parents’ own wet dream. Deep black slacks and navy blue button down.

Too constricting, too dark, too  _ not me. _

I shut up and wear it.

Heading towards my little sister’s room feels like knowing you’re going to head into something really bad and frightening.  _ Gut instinct, is it called? _

I ignore it. 

Knocking in a rapid and familiar pattern, Alluka keeps me waiting at her door for longer than I think necessary. When she does open the door, she’s not waiting at it. 

The feeling of dread revisits me walking through Alluk’s room, her lights are off and blinds closed but evening sunlight filters in between the cracks to brighten up the room. My little sister is sitting on her bed, completely stone faced. She doesn’t even fucking look at me. 

My teeth grind together, fingers closing around to form a fist for a moment before I take a deep breath and head towards her. 

She’s removed her earlier clothes of a sweater dress and tights in exchange for a simple white tank top and black shorts. There are a few necessary supplies sitting next to her on her bed she’s obviously pulled out. My heart sinks. 

“Do you want to stand up?” My voice is the loudest sound in the room and it feels like a betrayal of some sort.

She finally does turn to me, watching with fear when I round the side of her bed and come closer. Her face crumbles for a moment before she’s back to that unfeeling face I hate so fucking much. 

“N-no. I-can we-I want-I want to do that last.” Her voice cracks in between words, she clears her throat and closes her eyes briefly before reopening them with a deep breath. 

I don’t know what to say to make this better. As her big brother, I should. I should know what to do and what to say.  _ But I don’t. _

I help her in the ways I can, though. 

I crawl up the side of her bed and sit behind her, running my fingers through long tendrils of hair. Alluka has always been a very creative and imaginative girl, she loves to draw, she loves music and drama. She especially loves to play around with fashion, sometimes things would get out of hand and I would spend several hundred dollars on new accessories and clothes for her. Mer and Moogs spoiled her with fluffy stuffed animals of any kind, Alluka collected and displayed them on a shelf in her room. She was the liveliest girl I’d ever met. 

Today that girl is missing. And likely will be for a little while. 

There is a grey cropped top a few inches away resting against her colorful pink sheets, the piece of clothing is ominous. Even when reaching for the brush I don’t dare go near it. Not yet, anyway. 

My sister’s current obsession was hanging beads in her beautiful hair and having to take the colorful clips out was the least painful thing I would do tonight. We don’t speak. I know she doesn’t want to, but it’s still difficult to sit behind my sister and take away parts of her identity bit by bit, piece by piece. 

The next task before me is brushing her hair out, the comb falling through silky and tangle free strands like butter. I had done this before, when we were kids, just for fun. Alluka loved the feeling of fingers running through her hair.

She once said _ “It gives me the shakes! But the good kind! The really good kind, keep going, brother!”  _

And so I had. 

Tonight, the shakes would be bad. All of them. I want to stop it from ever happening. 

Using a rubber band, Alluka’s hair is set in a low ponytail at the base of her neck. Clips are used to hold back bangs that usually covered her forehead, they’re tricky and my hands won’t keep steady but after too many frustrating moments, they are set tight and won’t allow loose strands. 

“Hello, pretty girl,” are my first words since beginning my sister’s new hairdo. Bending around to look at her, my baby sister’s face seems slightly more open this way, bangs no longer hiding her forehead and her eyes only become more striking.

Alluka’s lips wobble, face crumbling the way it did before and her eyes well up with tears. She rests her forehead against mine, swooping up my hand and holding it tight. 

“Brother..”

“It’s okay. It’s almost done. The hardest part is next, okay? But I’m here, Alluk. I swear I am here and I will do everything I can to keep them off your back.” I promise her and I would. It doesn’t matter what punishment I took. If she is okay, it’s all that matters.

“I don’t want you to take the fall for me, brother!” She shakes her head back and forth, wrinkling the skin of our foreheads together and closing her eyes.

“I’ll be okay.”  My forehead presses against her, pushing her back and ocean eyes blink tear drops. My free hand reaches out to erase the existence of them before I pull back, bringing Alluka with me through extension of my hand. 

I bring her to stand by her bed and I know-- _ I fucking know _ this will be the hardest fucking part and it kills me inside. 

“Okay. Bring out your arms.” Picking up the cropped material from her bed and holding it in my hands. Alluka does as I request, arms and hands I notice are trembling but there’s no going back with this. 

_ Be strong, baby sister.  _

The material is slid over her arms, holding it as straight as possible before going over her head. I move, walk around to stand behind her and pull the binder down her back, the material is tight around her and it’s necessary but fuck if it isn’t a goddamn tugging struggle. 

My sister whines, a cry coming from her lips. 

I quicken my pace, stretching and pulling the piece of shit thing down her back and chest but my sister crumbles when I tug. Alluka collapses into my arms, wailing louder than a banshee. 

_ I want to fucking die.  _

She rests her weight on me, hands gripping tight enough to hurt the skin of my arms. I know if I let go, she’ll be on the floor. 

I pull my baby sister to my chest and she cries, louder. 

_ I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m fucking sorry! _

The binder keeps the results of the hormone therapy pills a secret. Denies their existence and denies  _ her _ existence. Dictates to my baby sister what she is and isn’t. Dictates what she can and  _ cannot _ be. 

Tonight it is can _ not _ .

“Brother!” She cries out to me and I hold her tighter, my legs giving out and we crumble to the floor while my sister shakes in my arms. “C-can’t!” She yells, her tears are falling and mine are, too. “Please! I-I can’t! I-I--” She never finishes, choking on her own hiccoughs and wails.

My face is buried into the back of her neck and I cry, silently. Leading down from my cheeks to her shoulder and seeping into the binder that hides her formed chest. 

_ You are who you say you are, I believe you. I believe you.  _

My mouth doesn’t move. Just like earlier, I know words can’t make this better. I know words can’t fix this, I know I _ can’t  _ right now. 

But I am the arms, the shoulder and the chest she needs to vent her pain. Here to hold her.  _ Always. _

My hands are fists around her chest, rising up and down violently with each deep breath and sob. The heels of my feet gently push off against her plush carpet and I rock us, back and forth gently. She digs her fingernails into my hands and even though I’ve been beaten by my family countless times, this is the most painful of any experience. I’d take fists over my sister’s broken heart any fucking day. 

Alluka cries until she’s numb.

When I let go, my sister is a shell of her former self. She does not smile, her eyes do not shine. Helping her dress into a button down and slacks similar to mine is easy only because she listens quickly to any instruction I give. My little sister reminds me of a robot working on autopilot and it takes all my strength to hold back my loathing for our family. 

_ Fuck them. Fuck.Them! _

“Can I see?” She asks while my hands fix the collar of her shirt. My heart twists at the sight of this person, the one my sister never was and never wanted to be. 

“I don’t think--” My voice is hesitant and small but it’s no good, Alluka immediately turns away and rushes to the small bathroom conjoined with her bedroom, flicking on the light and standing in front of the mirror. She gasps, hand going over her mouth and I’m right behind her.

“Alluka, I said--”

“Well, I guess this isn’t too bad. But Killua--” My sister turns to me and I’m stuck like stone, “Why can’t she be who she is?” The person fluffs up the collar of their shirt, pats down the front of their constricted chest to straighten it out. 

My heart drops because the person who is standing in front of me now is no longer, truly my sister. It was something else that lived inside of her. 

There was a phenomena that began when we were young, after certain actions were taken too far by my mother or brother’s. Alluka had developed another identity, one that would come out when things were too traumatic for Alluka to take. This identity would protect her. The only way I know the difference between the two is Alluk would call me “brother”, this identity would call me “Killua”.

But they aren’t all benevolent. They call themself “Nanika”. They have no gender but age-wise this identity is older, much older than my sister is. Nanika is also incredibly destructive, would lash out and not hold back their tongue. I’d had to stop Nanika several times over from causing physical harm to my sister, they were a toxic personality and it was only by stroke of luck I was ever there to stop them.

When Nanika came out, nothing good would happen. 

And to make matters worse, I never knew  _ when _ Nanika would come out. This just turned into the worst fucking day, ever. 

_ This was so hard on her, Nanika had to come out and protect her.. _

But Nanika at a dinner with our family is not a good fucking idea. 

“You know, Nanika, you really don’t have to go to the dinner. I’m sure Silva would understand Alluk’s absence.” I try and convince them as nonchalantly as possible. Try not to show the fear and anxiety coursing through me.

In reality, no one in my family is even truly aware of Nanika’s existence. They scoff off this personality and excuse it as “a child with an attitude”. No one fucking cares about Alluka the way I do and even then, I’m still not entirely familiar with Nanika. They had only come out a handful of times before and each time had ended in near disaster.

“Killua, you hurt me.” Nanika turns to face me with a slight pout on their face before turning back to the bathroom mirror.

They pat my sister’s pony-tailed hair, removing the clips I’d used to pull back her bangs. My jaw clenches and the back of my neck begins to sweat. 

“Are you afraid I’ll do something embarrassing to our cute as a button little sister?” Nanika rearranges the clips, using a much more efficient method than I had. 

My hands ball into fists. It's an effort to release them and shove them into my pockets. 

“No worries, Killua! I’ll be a good one. Promise!” Nanika winks at me and a cold feeling like ice settles through me. 

Because I know that’s likely not true and something horrible is likely to happen. I would have to watch them closely, more closely than ever, now.

“Well, should we get this crazy train going? I love dysfunctional family events, makes me all giddy! What about you?”  Nanika is giddy, nearly skipping past me and heading towards Alluka’s door. They hold it open for me with a smile so like my sister’s I wish they weren’t wearing it. 

I don’t answer their question, opting to sigh and make my way over to them. “Just stick by me, alright?” 

Nanika lights up, wrapping their arm around mine and holding tight. “I wouldn’t have it any other way, Killua!” They beam at me and it makes my stomach churn. A part of me doesn’t believe anything Nanika says. 

We make our way upstairs, through the living room and pass into the kitchen which has a connected bar end but going through a door leads into the dining room we used only when Silva came home. It was the only time we all ate dinner  _ together. _

Especially because Alluka and I were usually always with Mer or Moogs. 

_ I wish we were tonight.  _

Our butlers Tsubone and Gotoh were in the large kitchen, still preparing dinner, and my mother is sat in a chair with a glass of water in front of her. Gotoh must have suggested it so she wouldn’t make a drunk fool of herself in front of father. 

“Evening, brothers. Alluka, I’m glad to see you’re dressed in something appropriate today.” Illumi’s voice comes from behind us, his lithe figure making its way around us and sauntering towards our mother who wears a bemused smile at the sight of us. 

“What, this old thing? Ah, no biggie. Dust off some cobwebs and then it was good as new!” Nanika replies with a sickly sweet tone, suspicion and fear build up inside me.  _ Nanika could say one wrong thing, they’re capable, I know it. _

“It’s a good thing you did, son. Wouldn’t want your father to think you were a faggot!” My mother cackles, having to cover her mouth and my breath catches in my throat. 

Nanika smiles, but it’s sinister in nature and makes the hair on my arms stand to their ends. 

“Mother, would you like me to get some wine for father’s arrival?” They come off with a caring tone, as if what Silva drinks is of any concern to them. They’d likely poison Silva if they had a chance.

_ Not that I would stop them. _

But my mother buys the act, lighting up and standing high out of her chair. “Yes! Yes, Alluka, what a wonderful idea!” She turns to look behind us, at the butlers. “Gotoh, please retrieve the 1865 Chateau Lafite. Father does so love a red wine.” 

“No worries, mother! Allow me, please.” Nanika smiles.

They makes their way across the kitchen, towards the glass and wood cabinet that holds wine glasses and an innumerable amount of wine bottles. They take a moment to look through the expanse of the cabinet before pressing hands against the correct bottle. Nanika turns, walking towards my mother and holding it out with both hands and she smiles in pleasure. 

But a wicked smirk paints itself across Nanika’s face and seconds later, glass along with red liquid is shattered on the floor. 

Nanika dropped the bottle before my mother could reach it. 

_ No! Fuck, goddamnit! _

My mother gasps, distress painting over her features and fingers curling. 

I’m barely able to take two steps before my mother slaps her hand across Nanika’s cheek. She grabs them by the back of their head, growling in anger. Nanika cringes.

_ Goddamnit! _

“You little bitch!” My mother snarls between clenched teeth. 

“Alluka!” I yell, heading straight for them before my arms are pulled back and I’m stopped. 

“I wouldn’t interfere if I were you, brother.” The cold voice of my oldest brother, Illumi whispers in my ear. 

I don’t move another inch, fear setting through me and seizing my bones.

_ Just fucking stop, Nanika! Please! _

“Do you have any idea how much this cost me?! You ungrateful rat!” My mother growls into Nanika’s face and I swear they’re smiling. My mother pulls their face back, and Nanika yelps in pain. “What will father drink now?! Maybe I should make you mop it up with that pretty little face you were gifted with!” My mother and Nanika begin a type of tug-o-war, with my mother trying to push her down towards the broken glass and spilled wine and Nanika fighting to stay upward.

I make the boldest move in months. Knowing one thing that would make my mother more pissed off with me than my sister’s counterpart. 

“Kikyo!” I yell, chest heaving and adrenaline pumping with my sudden decision. 

If there is one thing my mother hates, it’s disrespect. And calling her by her name is utter sacrilege. It’s the biggest smack in the face.  

My mother’s drunk grappling with Nanika ceases, black holes for eyes staring up at me. It’s so goddamn quiet, a pin could drop and be heard by everyone in the room.

“Killu, wh--” My mother is disbelieving that her prodigal son would commit such treachery. 

“Kikyo, stop!” I yell, again to drive the point home.

_ Yes, I said it. Yes, punish me and leave them the fuck alone! _

My mother blinks, slowly. “Two ungrateful children,” she sighs, shaking her head back and forth, Nanika still being held in her arms. “What ever shall we do, Illumi?” She appeals to the oldest sibling standing behind me and goosebumps break out along my skin. 

_ This isn’t going to fucking be good. _ I prepare myself for the onslaught.

“Killu, I’ve been easy on you the past few weeks due to your concussion. But now, your injury won’t hinder me.” My brother whispers these words to me seconds before I’m twisted around and hit in the stomach with such a force, I collapse in on myself and lose my breath.

_ Fuck! Fuck! _

I cough, bent over tile floor, an ache in my gut.  _ That’s going to bruise! Shit, ow! _

My back is slammed against a wall, head banging painfully when I finally get my lungs back. Illumi’s hands dig into the skin of my face, holding me flat against the wall. His face less than a breath away but all I see is black, black eyes. “Kill, Have I not taught you better? Perhaps a lesson is necessary.” Illumi chides, shaking his head at me and no amount of effort to pull my head out of his hands bears fruition. My cheeks feel tight and my teeth clack together painfully.

“What--”

“Perhaps mother should lock Alluka in his room without dinner for two nights.” Illumi suggests and my heart drops.  _ He wants to hurt me by hurting her... _

“N-no! Illumi--” 

“What’s that? Little brother, no choice can be made without punishment.” Illumi regards me with cold, large eyes.  _ Pits. Just like my mother, they’re fucking pits! _

“Illumi,” our mother breaks apart our fight and my oldest brother turns at the sound of my mother’s quiet voice. “Please take Alluka to his room. He’s caused quite enough of a fuss tonight, it does break his mother’s heart.” Kikyo pushes Nanika from her arms and my brother rises from his crouched over position, letting go of my cheeks and my face sings high praises. He grabs Nanika by their arms and they throw an apologetic look my way. I had yet to truly understand Nanika’s nature but I got the feeling that once I understood, I would wish I hadn’t.

_ Fuck! Ow!  _ My face begins to throb along with the back of my shoulders.

Illumi leads Nanika past me and through the kitchen doors where I can’t see them anymore.

“I wish you wouldn’t defend your brother so much.” My mother is sitting back down in her seat, paying more interest to her nails than my own existence. Gotoh arrives with a broom and dustpan, making quick work of glass shards. “Perhaps I should have aborted him, he does seem to be quite a mistake.” 

My mind can’t wrap around her words-- _ won’t  _ wrap around her words.

My jaw clenches and my eyes well up with tears.  _ Alluka was not a fucking mistake! _

My mother scoffs and I watch her from my place on the floor. Gotoh disappeared and Tsubone brought a mop.“It’s bad enough he wears those girly things _ inside _ the home, but he masquerades as a woman  _ outside _ ? He speaks to others as if he’s womanly? Tell you the truth, I think everyone knows the fool is a cross dresser, his adam’s apple is the size of a closed fist!” She cackles and it’s the worst sound I’ve ever fucking heard in my life. It’s evil, it’s malice, it’s heartless.

“Mrs. Zoldyck,” Gotoh calls. “Silva and Milluki have arrived in the foyer.”

My mother half stumbles from her chair. “Father’s home! Everyone on your best behavior,” She glances at my form still on the floor. “Stop looking so poor, Killu!” my mother says as if her mind is boggled at how I could look like shit on the floor.

My stomach aches when I move around, struggling to rise when a hand wraps around my arm to help me stand. 

Tsubone with her wide shoulders, pigtails and wrinkled skin that tell of a life long lived in this household helps me up. When she’s confident in my ability to stand, she releases me and goes back to her cooking duties. 

This is a day in the life of the Zoldyck household for her, for all of us, really.

I meet both of my brother’s and my mother in the dining room hall minutes later, it’s after we are sat down at the long table that my father makes his grand appearance.  

Silva Zoldyck is a frightening, well put together figure. My father’s blonde hair is longer than mine, falling at his chest in waves. The suit he’s wearing likely costs more than my life. He casts his blue eyed gaze across the long dining room table over my mother and two brothers before falling onto me and the empty seat beside me. But he doesn’t ask where Alluka is. 

In fact, he doesn’t say anything at all. Instead, makes his way straight towards us and sits at the head of the table. He’s several seats away from me and it’s the only saving grace I have.

I’m so goddamn sick and worried to my stomach I don’t want to fucking even look at whatever plate of food they bring out tonight. There are bigger issues than dinner with my father and it’s Nanika alone in Alluka’s room, doing god knows fucking what. I’d have to think of a way to excuse myself without disrespecting my father. 

Conversation around the table is pleasant between my parents and brother’s after food is brought out.  _ Of fucking course it is _ , they’re following down the Zoldyck line, doing exactly what father and mother want them to do. 

_ What they want to force me to do. _

“Kikyo, have you heard from Kalluto?”

My ears perk at the sound of that name. 

“Why, yes! We received a letter from him a few weeks ago, he’s well. He’s already started school back up with his peers. He said he had taken up charity work over the summer and was unable to come home. But how altruistic of him! He has such a bright future!” My mother gushes on about my youngest brother, Kalluto Zoldyck. 

I hadn’t heard his name in months. 

Kalluto had been my mother’s starchild, her favorite at one point amongst us all. My parents, wanting to take advantage of great wealth and instill discipline had thrown my brother into a private boarding school several hundred miles away two years ago. 

My mother had once offered the same fate for me when I was 13 and though getting out from under their thumb and abuse would have been a dream come true-it would have meant leaving Alluka alone. And that was a choice I couldn’t make. 

Kalluto had no such attachments and went willingly, but he never came back. He was granted both summer and winter breaks but continuously would send letters over the course of his two years making excuses as to why he couldn’t come home. Charity work or picking up extra classes, he would say, but I’d bet my left nut he didn’t  _ want _ to come back. I would do the same. 

Still, phone calls from my mother would go straight to voicemail when she tried to contact him. He would only send letters. 

There is a tightening in my chest, a feeling of guilt as Kalluto had crossed the path of my mind less and less, recently. It isn’t because I care less about my young brother, but day to day life got in the way, besides that Kalluto and I were never really close. Not the way Alluka and I are.

My father nods without word after that and dinner continues, his eyes shift to me every now and again and it makes my fucking skin burn. My fork draws a circular pattern on my plate, the prime rib was bloody and thick, it was sickening. 

“Son, why are you not eating?” I don’t have to look up to know my father’s words are directed at me. My fork pauses in its ministrations.

_ Ah, fuck. He noticed.  _

“I-I had a rather large lunch today, F-Father.” In truth all I’d had to last me the day was some eggs and that damn pudding cup at lunch. But I couldn’t even stomach the piece of red meat on my plate. It made me fucking nauseous. 

“Is that so?” His tone doesn’t seem the least bit interested though it doesn’t stop me from answering the way he wants me to.

“Yes. May I-May I be excused?” I ask, hastily following up with- “Please, father.” 

My father stares at me for a moment, placing his elbows on the table and using the backs of his hands to hold under his chin. 

“We’ve hardly spoken all dinner, son. You want to leave so soon?”

“No, that’s-I--”

“I-I-I--” My father mimics my nervous pauses and my hands shake under the table. “My, what a stutter you have. That’s very unprofessional to have in our line of work. Kikyo, would you set up a teacher to help him speak?” He gives his attention over to my mother, insulting my intelligence and existence in one moment.

_ That motherfucker.. _

“I apologize, Father. I meant no disrespect! There’s a big test coming up in one of my classes and I’d like to use as much time as possible to study.” I lie, hoping it’s believable and I can get the fuck out of dodge. I’ve reached my emotional quota for the fucking day. 

“Killu is incredibly intelligent.” My mother supports me as if she wasn’t calling me ungrateful a mere hour ago. “Our boy had the highest marks in his Honors classes last year, the highest GPA! Such a bright future ahead for him, as well, dear. The upcoming Gala will only push him further!” She beams at me, lipstick still carefully applied and teeth perfect white even after chewing on bloodied beef.

“Yes, Pariston Hill’s. That will show you the reality of this world, son. You’ll get to see what it means to be a real man, there.” My father says, shoving a piece of steak into his mouth.

_ What the.. Can I just fucking be excused?! Please! _

“Yes, Father.” I give up, give in to his bullshit. It was what they wanted, anyway.

My father studies me, causing me to shift under his gaze with how incredibly fucking terrifying and unnerving it feels.

“You may be excused, son.” He finally speaks the words that breathe like an elixir.

“May I please take this to the kitchen to save for later? It’s perfectly edible.” I cradle the plate in my hands. I didn’t even eat anything besides maybe two bites of mashed potatoes, the veggies are still intact as well.

“Gotoh will do it for you.” My mother says, nodding her head to the silent butler near the door and he steps closer without any further direction needed. 

“No!” I say almost too quick, too loud. I clear my throat. “No, that’s okay, I can do it myself.”

“Very well, then.” My father nods in acquiescence and it takes all my patience to not immediately burst into a run as soon as my ass it out of the seat. But I pace myself with the plate of food in my hands until I hit the kitchen which is when I kick my ass into overdrive by covering the food and shoving it into the microwave to warm up. I quickly grab an extra set of silverware, hoping no one fucking walks in on me and asks questions. 

“Come on, stupid microwave! Come on!” The evil green digits tell me there’s still 45 seconds left and they can’t go by any goddamn slower. 

“Mr. Killua.” Tsubone’s croaky voice makes me jump out of my fucking skin, it’s a miracle I don’t hit the goddamn ceiling. 

“Fuck!”

She raises a near non existent gray brow at me. “Are you taking food to Ms. Alluka?” She inquires.

“I--”

“Perhaps she’d also like something to drink.” Tsubone makes her way to the fridge, fishing out a few water bottles and handing them to me. “I’ll make sure you are not disturbed in your room for the rest of the night,” she says, my nerves are slightly calmed, comforted that at least she has my back. 

While she’s been a butler here my entire life, Tsubone and I had never been close. But she’d found ways to cover my ass more times than I could count.

The microwave beeps loudly, and I pull the way too fucking hot plate out quickly. Managing a quick “thanks” to Tsubone before rushing past her, I make a mad dash straight towards my baby sister.

_ Please, be okay. Please, be okay! _

I forego knocking in our usual pattern, instead working my way past the several outside door locks while juggling water bottles and food. One lock included a key Tsubone had snuck me a copy of and it was a godsend in this moment. I pushed the door open without preamble, impatient as fuck to get inside and see my sister. 

The view I’m greeted with almost makes me drop the plate of food in my hands.

Alluka’s room is  _ absolutely fucking trashed. _ Her clothes are strewn about the floor, beanie babies and stuffed animals Mer and Moogs had bought her at one point are cut open and spongy guts spilling out, her drawer of accessories strewn open and toppled over. Even the sheets on her bed are in complete disarray. My eyes search to and fro for a figure anywhere, for my sister.

“Alluka! Nanika!” I shout, fear coursing through me when I move to check her bathroom.

But no one’s in there. 

“Alluka!” I shout, again.  _ Where is she!? Did she leave?! How, I didn’t even fucking hear? Where would she even go?!  _

“Brother..” Her voice comes before her head pops up from beside her bed, an area I hadn’t checked yet.

_ Alluka! _

“Alluka!” I rush her, trying to set down the plate of food and waters with ease and speed. 

I bend down to my sister’s form on the floor beside her bed, pulling her into my arms and checking her over for any kind of injury Nanika may have caused. “Are you okay?” My hands swipe at the now free flowing hair, bangs spreading under my hands when I smooth my hands against her face. 

“I’m fine.” She nods, taking a moment to look up and around her demolished room. My sister’s face falls. “Oh.” 

“Not sure that’s the word I’d use for it.” I reply in a soft voice. My arms wrap around my sister’s figure, holding her to me tight. I bury my face in her shoulder, nuzzling my sweet baby sister in relief.  _ At least Nanika left without hurting her this time. _

“Brother,” Alluk pushes me away with gentle hands, looking me in the eyes and asking me to believe her. “Nanika’s not bad,” she says the last words I want to hear.

Sighing, my mouth voices my thoughts. “Nanika’s the last person I want to talk about right now, Alluk.” Pulling us both up from the floor, I notice she’s no longer wearing the outfit from earlier and the binder has been removed as well. In exchange she’s in yoga pants and a tank top. I don’t ask where anything else is. “You didn’t get to eat. I brought you this.” I wave my hand towards the food and water bottles on her bed.

“Food!” My sister lights up, looking more like herself by the minute. We crawl up the side of her bed together, rolling water bottles back and forth. She laughs and there’s no resistance when I begin to laugh along with her. 

“This looks really good, brother!” She sits herself down comfortably and I pull out the silverware I’d hid in my pockets. I make a space across from her, sitting with legs crossed and smiling down at my little sister.

She begins to take the first few bites of veggies and potatoes when my hunger makes its appearance. Rather loudly. Gurgling and growling sounds emit from my gut and my skin turns several shades of red.

“Brother, what was that sound?!” Alluka pauses, wide blue eyes raking over me. “Do you-have you eaten yet?”

“What?!” I balk, acting affronted. “Yes, of course I have! Don’t worry about it, squirt. My stomach is just.. I need to poop,” I lie.

“When you need to poop, you get gassy. I’ve been around you long enough.” Alluka laughs while I sulk. “Eat some.” She extends her fork to me. “Share it with me. Please?”

And I can’t deny her when she looks at me like that. 

I sigh in resignation, my stomach begging for the potatoes and veggies and meat. “Fine. But you first, come on,” I deal.

She takes the first bite, then she cuts herself the second and third. It makes me smile. 

“Thank you for always taking care of me, brother.” Her voice comes small, mouth full of food.

“Who else would do it, knucklehead?” I respond, sweetly.

Alluka cuts a fourth bite, this time stretching the fork out towards me. “Then I can take care of you, too.”

I bite the piece of meat from the fork and pull back, chewing.  _ Goddamn, this is delicious. _

“Are you really okay?” My curiosity and worry are getting the best of me. 

“I-I don’t really know, brother.” She looks down and away, drawing shapes into her bed. “There’s a feeling Nanika leaves behind sometimes, it’s hard to get out of the funk.”

“I’m sorry.”

She lifts her gaze, a soft smile on her face. “Don’t be, brother! I’m here and you’re here and we’re taking care of each other. Things will be okay. You said so, right?” She nods, brows pushing together in half worry and expectation. I don’t ever want to let her down.

“Yeah. Yeah, I did.” I push the plate towards her, reminding her to eat more and talk less.

“Then it’ll be okay.”

_ When did my sister need to start comforting  _ me _? _

“So, are you ready for Machi’s party?” I change the subject, even though it’s an event I dread. Alluka cuts another piece of meat, stretching the fork out to me again and we go back and forth like this.

My baby sister lights up, a little. And I see parts of her back, Nanika’s time erased. 

She goes on about how excited she is and even though it’s a school night, we stay up late talking. 

We join forces to clean her bedroom together, Alluka fixes her bed and hangs up her clothes while I take care of the stuffed animals puking their guts up. I place them into a bag, promising to ask Tsubone to sew them back together for her. 

I don’t make it back to my room this night, falling face first into my sister’s bed she’s kind enough to share with me. 

Part of it is fear Nanika could resurface and something worse could happen, the other half is my need to simply be near my sister, needing to feel her presence. 

The next morning is hell, having to physically pull my baby sister from bed. 

But it’s an enjoyable hell, one I’d gladly live a hundred times over just to see the million watt smile my sister flashes me when blueberry pancakes hit her plate.

* * *

 

There's also artwork from the BB and from a really good friend of mine tied to this chapter, but I didn't want to post it atop and spoil! Here is lovely art by the lovelier hijackedbylou http://hijackedbylou.tumblr.com/post/161251530707/my-contribution-to-the-hxhbb17-i-illustrated-a AANND then art by my incredible friend Shimmy-Shamm https://shimmy-sham-with-the-fam.tumblr.com/post/161324423285/the-awesome-softkillua-requested-that-i-draw-a And there we go! Hope you enjoyed guys, leave comments, critiques, thoughts! See you next Tuesday! <3

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD I AM A DAY LATE WITH THIS UPDATE, I'M SO SORRY!! Irl has been really crazy and distracting and time flew by wowwowow. So, here we are at chapter 4. There are no real warnings here except WE GET NSFW. THAT'S RIGHT, MY LADS. SEX. SCENE. Enjoy and read at your own risk (if I have minors who are reading this, I mean.. I /can't/ stop you but I definitely encourage always making sure it's consensual, and you use protection. And have some nice foreplay. And lube.) Okay, here we go!

_ “Suck on your amber lips _

_ Just give me one bad night _

_ Heart beat is razor thin _

_ Hot heat, you make me high _

_ Get underneath my skin _

_ Just give me one bad night” _

_ One Bad Night- Hayley Kiyoko _

* * *

 

 

“You’re really going to make me do this?” 

“Yes.”

“Why do you  _ hate  _ me so much?!”

“Get out of the car, brother.”

My whine is the loudest sound in the space between us, fingers trailing lazily along my car keys in the ignition to prolong having to walk down the driveway and into the House of Doom™. My shoulders droop into soft leather seat.

“Come on!” My little sister insists, growling as she attempts to pull my deflating and lifeless arm over the console of my car. “This will be fun for both of us! I can be one of the cool kids and you can, you know, have an actual life.” Her tugging ceases when I snap back in rigid form.

“What the literal fuck did you just say?” 

Alluk’s smirk is mischievous and she’s trying to come off as innocent and sweet but she’s failing. 

“Last one in’s a rotten egg, big brother!” She teases in a sing-song before rapidly opening and slamming close the passenger side door. She propels herself out, feet smacking against driveway pavement before stopping in front of a wood fence and unhooking the lock. My sister flashes me one more large smile, sticking a thumb up before ducking inside and leaving me alone like a loser inside the car.

_ That little cheat! Now I’m the fucking rotten egg! _

For a split second, I consider pulling out of the driveway and leaving my sister.  _ Just for a split second.  _

But reason wins over and I’m pushing myself out from the confines of my car and into the rest of the world. It’s 8pm in August, the sun’s barely making its goodbyes to this side of the sky and while most people would be getting home and resting, Machi’s house is a growing space of crowded cars and deep vibration from loud music. 

Machi’s parents are some kind of businesspeople-it’s nothing I cared to ask anyone or even her about, to be frank, but they leave often enough that Machi can take advantage of their absence and throw a party in her two-story home. 

_ I get the feeling I’m not going to have a good fucking time here.  _

My feet trail the path my sister walked, the loud music sending vibrations through the ground and I can feel it underneath my feet. Unhooking the small hook that latches the wooden fence together, I step into another world- _ another fucking universe. _

It turns out Machi also has an infinity pool  _ and jacuzzi _ in her backyard and half the city’s population is either in it or standing around with drinks in their hands. It’s loud, everyone’s splashing and laughing, and I’ve never wanted to turn around so quickly in my entire fucking life.

_ Because it suddenly hits me I don’t know a single fucking person here besides my sister.  _

Sure, I likely sell drugs to half these people on a regular fucking basis but I don’t  _ know _ them. And it’s likely they don’t  _ want _ me to know them past our drug dealer and drug doer relationship. At the end of the day, that’s fine. But when you’re at a goddamn high school party with Padokea High’s population in the backyard and you can’t speak to a single person because they avoid you like the fucking plague at school,  _ it kind of creates an issue. _

I duck past the crowds of people, away from the assholes who think they look cool vaping and clamber inside to Machi’s house through the open sliding door, each step the vibration is stronger and music louder. 

All prejudice aside, Machi’s place is pretty fucking rad. I’ve ended up in a kitchen,  _ a large and spacious kitchen _ , a granite top table placed in the middle piled with different kinds of chips and dips but mostly alcohol. There’s also a long as fuck island with the same granite top as the center table separating the kitchen and what looks to be a living room. 

_ Oh shit, she’s got a chandelier too.  _

The overhanging light looks to be made of iron, yellow lights placed intricately around like a swooping birdhouse. It’s pretty decent, reminds me of the ones placed in my home though ours are white instead of black. 

There are a few familiar faces inside and as expected when eye contact is made, they turn away immediately.  _ Goddamnit! Why the fuck am I even here?! Where the hell did Alluka go… _

Ignoring the holier than thou assholes, I continue further into the rest of Machi’s home. I was right earlier, her living room being next to the kitchen with two large mirrors side by side above a long L-shaped couch across from me filled with people and spacious windows covered by short white curtains to my right. 

This is also the source of the booming music, some new shit that was likely on the radio I’m not familiar with but people have to yell just to talk to each other and some are in the middle of the living room trying to dance.

I use that term loosely because drunk gyrating certain body parts against others isn’t exactly what I’d call  _ dancing.  _

A hand clamps down on my shoulder, the pat making me flinch in reaction before turning to the last person I expected to see here. 

“Gon?”  _ Of course he would be here. _

Gon smiles bright, spiky hair blocking the light outside and eyes shining. “Hey, Killua!”

“H-hey!” The volume of my voice raises, Gon would be unable to hear me otherwise.  _ Fuck it’s loud in here. _

“Wh-what’s Killua doing here?” His eyes squint, raking over my form. “I’ve never seen you at a party before. Are you here with someone?” He looks to an empty space beside me before he turns his head to look behind and around me. 

_ Yeah, no luck. I’m a sorry ass loner. _

“My sister.” I respond, shrugging my shoulders from under the hand he still has on me. “Alluka dragged me down here.”

“Oh! Alluka’s here?”

“Somewhere.” I trail off and being inside is irritating the shit out of me, Gon and I are nearly yelling at each other over the goddamn music.

Gon leans close to me, likely hindered by the same thing I am. “Are you-are you looking for someone else here or--” He yells in my ear.

I snort, moving my mouth towards his ear and looking over his shoulder. “Come on, Gon. You think half the people here want me for anything besides the shit I sell them?!” 

This seems to catch him off guard because he stiffens, maybe he hadn’t expected me to be so honest and open with my business but everyone in school knows anyway, Gon Freecss can’t act so innocent and naive.  _ He knows.  _

He pulls back for a moment, lips pursed before he sighs and leans close to me, again. His breath ghosting across my neck and it makes me shiver.

“Well, Killua being alone is just dumb! We can go hang out with--”

My head shakes, brushing against the Varsity jacket he’s still wearing even at a goddamn high school party. “Nah, Gon. It’s cool, dude. I’ll find a place to chill.”

“Okay, then...” His voice is low in my ear, I wonder if that’s what he said at all. Decide it’s not important, anyway. 

I nod, pulling back. “Yeah! Go have fun at this party, you’re the school’s _ Wonder Bo _ y!” I’m making fun and he knows it, brown eyes roll and my teeth bite down on my lip to fight off a smirk. My head tips as a goodbye to him and I make my great escape into the crowd.

“Hey, Killua!” I hear called from behind me, voice booming over the crowd and music.

I turn, sighing. “Yeah, Gon?”

Gon steps closer, trying to throw his damn voice from several feet away. “Is it okay if--can I hang out with you, instead?”

I blink, attempt to take a few steps back before I bump into someone, accidentally. But they don’t even notice. 

_ Okay, wait. What?  _

_ I mean.. There’s no reason to not hang out with him,  _ necessarily _. _

_ And it’s not like I have anyone else I can fucking find here. Unless I wanted to be that misanthropic asshole in the corner. _

_ Ha, nah! _

“A-alright, then. Yeah. That’s cool.” My head nods once, twice. And Gon smiles, again. A train of people pass between Gon and I.

“Cool!” He yells once they’re gone and the entirety of this fucking party shit is irritating the hell out of me _. So many fucking people in a cramped space just getting themselves trashed. _

“Yeah, hey, look. Let’s get out of here? I can’t even fucking hear myself think!” My throat is gonna be raw as fuck the more I scream my head off in this goddamn place. Someone shoves up against my back, walking past me without looking.  _ Yeah, I need to get the fuck out of here. _

“It should be quieter out front, come on!” Gon stalks past me, grabbing onto the sleeve of my hooded sweater and I follow him past the living room towards the front door. 

Fresh air hits me like a brick wall and it’s the most pleasant fucking thing. Not to be flush up against so many sweaty bodies with the scent of weed and alcohol on everyone’s breath and clothing. 

The sky is a murky deep blue mixed with orange and purple. The soft wind ruffles my hair around my shoulders, and beyond this porch, the rest of the world seems quiet. Houses on either side of the street with kitchen lights on and cars parked on the street or in driveways, this neighborhood is pretty pleasant suburbia. The faint honk of cars on the freeway catches my attention and my sleeve tugs to the side. I blink.

“Come on, so we’re not sitting so obvious outside.” Gon follows the porch as if he’s been here a hundred times before and knows every shortcut. We follow down the white porch for a few more seconds until the side leads down to a short path of stairs. We take them, make a quick left to the side of the house, I can hear the splashing of the pool and laughter from the partygoers close by. There’s a line of bushes to our right, dark and green and covering half the way and Machi’s place on the left, a wrought iron gate ahead of us that looks rusted over as fuck. 

_ Where the fuck are we going?! _

“Yo, Gon!” 

We pass the shrubbery, it stops short of the gate and reveals two lawn chairs and a small as shit table between them in the space. 

_ Oh.. _

Gon turns to me with a soft smile. “Sorry, I know this seems weird, right? But I’ve been to Machi’s a few times and this is a really cool spot me, Leorio and Kurapika found once.” 

The mention of their names makes my cheeks flush, heat rushing through as I recall the first and last time I encountered the couple.  _ Is it more awkward if I do or don’t mention it? _

Gon let’s go of my sleeve, plopping down in one of the lawn chairs with a heavy sigh of contentment, and I follow with stilted movements. 

It’s not like Gon and I are overly familiar with each other. The first and last time we genuinely spoke was fucking  _ weeks  _ ago.

“Hey, Killua!” He greets me and this time his voice isn’t loud enough to burst my ear drums, I chuckle. 

“Hey, Gon.” The air between us feels awkward and full of…  _ something _ . I don’t know what. But when he continues to stare, I do the same. 

I don’t want to look away, mainly because Gon isn’t blinking.  _ He’s really not fucking blinking! _ And suddenly this becomes a challenge. Gon’s eyes narrow and mine do the same before I open them far as they can go.  _ Gon’s going to fucking blink before I am!  _

I can see him fighting off a smile and I lean closer to him while trying to fight off my own because I know he understands the game, now and he’s willing to play. 

_ Not blinking, nope! Not even fucking close to blinking. Dry eyes? What the fuck is that? Who cares?! Gon Freecss will. Fucking. Blink. _

Seconds or minutes or hours whatever the fuck pass by, I don’t know but my eyes really are starting to dry so much they’re watering and I’m fucking  _ hoping _ Gon blinks before I do _. _

_ Goddamnit, you dumb jock, blink! _

Gon sniffles, nose wiggling before he leans over and covers his face. He closes his eyes and sneezes.

“Haha! I won!” I shout, arms raising in triumph before coming back down.  _ Fuck yeah! _

“No! I sneezed, that doesn’t count!” He denies and my eyes nearly roll into the back of my fucking head.

“Yeah, it fucking does, Gon. Don’t be a sore loser.”

“I’m not being a sore loser!” He shouts, beginning an argument like the stubborn ass he is.

“Are, too.” I say, coolly.

“Am, not!” 

“Yes, you fucking are, Gon! Shut up!” My voice raises to rival him and we’re leaning close to each other from across our small table in a battle of wills. 

“I want a do-over! Best two out of three!”

I pause, my eyes narrowing before I pull back to lean in my chair. “Nah, sorry. I don’t play against sore losers.” My shoulders shrug up, then down.

“That's mean..” Gon half whines, pouting slightly and I snicker.

“Sore. Loser.”  My fingers make the L shape against my forehead and my tongue sticks out at him mockingly. Gon laughs, shaking his head at me and I follow suit. We quiet after a few moments, and while the tense air is gone, there’s still a bit of underlying awkwardness I want to dispel.

“So, hey..” I start.

“Mm?” Gon responds, turning to me.

“I-uh-I know you probably heard about what I said to your friends--”

“Oh!” Gon says, eyes widening and he immediately shakes his head.  _ Ah, so he does know. _ “No, that’s okay! I mean, Leorio doesn’t hold it against you. He said you were having a bad day.”

_ Bad day, huh? How about bad year, bad life, even? _

“Still. Kurapika certainly doesn’t hold me in high favor.” _ Though, with his comment about me being a low life, I’m sure he didn’t before our interaction, anyway. _

“Kurapika is just..” Gon trails off, lips pursing and brows furrowing as he thinks hard in front of me. “Kurapika is just Kurapika..” He finally replies, giving up near entirely. I hum in acknowledgement, lost for what else to respond with. 

A light blinks on behind Gon, past the gate as the sky darkens and his skin shines in front of it. My throat clears, I shift.  _ His skin shines? Fuck’s sake, is my life a goddamn harlequin novel? _

“Hey, Killua, was Alluka okay that day I dropped her off at your place?” Gon asks, completely unaffected and unaware of my thoughts.

My head whirls at his words. “Wh-what?!”

“That day you got your concussion? Your friend, Meruem was going to hitch a ride with some guy but I offered, instead. Your place is really nice, by the way.” He says, completely innocent and naive.

I blink, hard. Then blink some more.  _ Because what the fuck was Gon talking about? He dropped my sister off at the estate?? _

_ Mer never even fucking told me! That bitch ass... _

“I-is Killua okay?” 

“When was this, again?” I disregard his question, entirely.

He shrugs broad shoulders. “The day you got hurt. Alluka said you wouldn’t mind..” He trails off, eyes pointed down towards his shoes. 

Do I  _ mind? Why would I? I mean.. It’s not like it’s a big deal, really. It’s just.. Weird? Gon, nowadays, just happens to be… Everywhere. _

“I guess, thanks?” I finally say.

He looks up, swiftly, his hair doesn’t even fucking budge with the movement. “R-really? For what?”

“For making sure my sister was okay.”

He smiles, wide and toothy. “Oh, no, that’s okay! Alluka’s really great!”

“Yeah. Yeah, she definitely is.” A fond smile makes its way across my face as I think of my baby sister _. I really hope she’s having fun here.. _

“Hey, Killua.” Gon calls back, my eyes focus on him.

“Yeah?”

“H-how do you keep your hair so fluffy?”

My head falls back, mouth open wide to release a full bellied laugh at Gon’s ridiculous question.  _ Is this guy fucking serious?!  _ I lean forward, head falling down and arms wrapping around my stomach to try and subdue myself but this is the most bizarre question I have ever fucking been asked in my life!

“You.. have a nice laugh..” I swear I hear Gon say, and the heat already at my face likely goes to the fucking tips of my ears. My laughter falls off to chuckles before trailing off to soft rumbles in the pit of my stomach. When I look up, Gon’s staring at me and  _ he’s smiling. _

It unnerves me, the way he looks at me. I’ve smiled at people before and they’ve smiled at me but there’s something in the way Gon looks at me that’s just… that’s just…  _ different. Feels different.  _

And I can’t help but notice his eyes, even in the dark, striking as ever.  _ Warm _ , that’s what it feels like when Gon looks at me.  _ Warm. _

_ Fuckshitfuck! _

“I-I’ll tell you how I keep my hair so fluffy if you give me an answer to my question.” I clear my throat, shift in my chair and try to ignore whatever the fuck this feeling in my stomach is.

“Shoot!”

“How do you keep your hair so fucking spiky? What do you use, glue?”

It’s Gon’s turn to laugh, his lips blowing a raspberry before he’s overtaken nearly the same way I was. And if Gon thinks my laugh is nice, his is  _ nicer, better.  _

_ Chill. The fuck. Out.  _

I swallow, hard and shake my head minutely to rid myself of these bullshit thoughts running through my head.  _ There’s no fucking way I’m attracted to Gon Wonder Boy Fucking Freecss. No. No way! _

That’s the _ last _ thing I need.

“M-my hair looks funky when it’s down.” He finally replies, laughter dying down. “I hate when it gets in my face, so I use a really strong hair gel to stick it up.” He rubs his hand at his forehead

“You do that shit everyday? How long does that take?!” I almost want to reach out and touch the spikes, but don’t because I think that’d be  _ way _ too fucking weird. Instead, I stare.

“Mmm.. Like 45 minutes or so.”

I laugh. “You’re nuts, Gon. I’d never take that much fucking time!”

“So, what  _ does _ Killua do?” Gon leans forward, his eyes at my hair and I muss my fingers through it without thinking.

“You wanna know my hair secrets, Gon?” I whisper, conspiratorially. 

“Mm! I do! I want to know Killua’s hair secrets!” He responds with more enthusiasm than necessary.

I shake my head for a moment. “I’m joking, it’s not really a secret. It’s not even that interesting. I just towel dry the fuck out of it and then don’t brush.”

“R-really?” He’s still eyeing my hair with what looks like astonishment or wonder of some kind.

“Yeah, sorry to let you down.” 

Gon’s hand reaches out quickly and my head flinches back at the movement. He either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care because he keeps going until his hand is suddenly resting on my head. He pats my scalp before running his fingers into my white locks. 

“Uh.. Uh, G-Gon..”  _ What the fuck is happening? _

He looks mystified for a moment before his forehead wrinkles and tongue comes out at the side of his lips like it did weeks before when he was trying to concentrate. His hands move around my crown and I can’t help the shiver that runs through me when certain spots feel real ticklish.

_ Fuck. Fuck, what the fuck do I do?! This.. This is weird as shit.. What the fuck.. What the fuck do I do????!  _

_ Ah, shit. Wait, that feels really nice. Yeah. Wow. Oh fuck, that felt real nice! _

_ Goddamnit I’m almost purring under his fucking hand! _

Gon releases me and the bizarre relaxing spell is broken. His arm pulls back and he smiles, looking more than pleased with himself.

“Your hair is really soft, a lot softer than I thought it was.”

Heat crawls up my neck, ghosts over my cheeks and fills to the tips of my ears. “Gon, do you--do you think before you speak?!”

He blinks before refocusing on my face. “Hmm? Of course I do! Or, well, I mean.. Sometimes. Most of the time if I want to do or say something, then I will.”

_ Huh.. _

I swallow hard, glad my skin is cooling now. “So uh, is this-is this what you do when you come to parties? You drag wayward dealers to a dark corner to touch their hair?” I tease, slightly. Though I do wonder why he decided to chill with me. 

“Wh-what?! N-no! I don’t--”

“Chill the fuck out, Gon! I’m joking.” I reassure him. 

“Oh.” He chuckles, half heartedly and his hand goes to the back of his neck. “No, I--usually I’m with Leorio and Kurapika but they couldn’t make it tonight. I like parties, actually, I think they’re fun but...”

“But this one doesn’t seem as fun?” I prompt.

“I just feel weird coming alone, I guess. Like I said, Leorio and Kurapika join me. I mean, I have lots of friends here...” He trails off and I wonder if I should press again or not.

“But, what?”

“No one takes care of me like Leorio and Kurapika. I-I got real drunk at a party once and--”

My eyes are wide when I interrupt him. “Oh, no. Gon, don’t tell me you embarrassed yourself for the rest of your high school career.” 

He ducks his head, eyes squeezing shut for a moment before reopening. “I totally did! There’s a picture of me on instagram nearly dead in a corner covered in vomit and water.” He groans and this simple regret is enough to make me want to know. 

“Please, tell me this story.” 

Gon laughs, leaning closer to me. “Okay, okay so..” 

And he tells me. He got plastered with Kurapika and Leorio, threw up on them in fact while they were dragging him to a bathroom--which was carpeted, Gon made sure to reiterate this fact several times to me. His good friend, Ikalgo, who was also drunk decided it would be a good idea to throw water over Gon’s head as he was sitting and vomiting on this carpet, so he was soaked through his clothes and  _ reeked.  _

Palm Siberia walked in to find Gon drenched and puking, Leorio with a leg up on the sink to wipe off the vomit from his pants and Kurapika undressing entirely to get in the shower. 

“Sh-she took a picture of all of us, exactly that way! And that’s my legacy! She tagged me in it on instagram!” He covers his face, a mix of laughter and groaning coming from him. I can’t help but do the former.

A part of me was regretful I didn’t allow Alluka to make me an instagram in that moment, solely for the purpose of seeing this exact photo. 

“G-Gon, you fucking legend!”

He shakes his head, sighing and lowering hands from his face. “So, yeah. That’s why I’m here on the side of the house with you.”

“Ah, I’m honored.” There’s sarcasm, large amounts of gusto in my voice and I bow my head in joke. “But, hey, I’ll trade some of my shitty stories of mine since you bared your soul to me.”

Gon laughs, and I can’t help the smile that creeps across my face from the sound. 

And we trade stories back and forth like this. I tell him about back in the day when Me and Mer were little shits in middle school, always getting into trouble. He tells me how he met his closest friends, Leorio and Kurapika--who I learn is actually “they” and not “he”. I give him the happy stories about me and Alluka, minus the family bullshit and Gon tells me about his life on Whale Island, how much he misses it. He promises to take me camping one day since I’m such a goddamn spoiled as shit city boy. And this time, it really does feel like hours pass before we know it.

“This is fun, I like hanging out with you.” Our heads are huddled close together and I’m leaning on my arms. 

“Oh, yeah?” My voice is more intense, more breathy and teasing than I mean it to be and I’m so fucking glad it’s dark because I’m red as a goddamn stoplight.  _ Uh.. Shit.. _

“Y-yeah. Killua’s nice.. Funny.” The light behind the gate doesn’t cast over the table, my form is shielded in shadow while Gon is bathed in light and I can see his eyes. Even if I couldn’t see them, I’d  _ feel  _ them. Roaming, searching over my face. “I-I like your eyes. They.. They remind me of the ocean back home.” He says, voice getting smaller with each word.

It’s at this time I notice our knees are touching underneath the table and Gon shifts, rubbing his knee against my outer thigh.  _ Shit, is he--?! _

“S-stop being so embarrassing, Gon!” I try and laugh off the weird sensation flowing through me, the sweating of my palms and the look in Gon’s eyes.  _ Shit, shit! _

“I’m just telling the truth!” He insists, pressing his knee back against mine and my breath hitches. 

I groan, “S-some might call that flirting, Gon.”

“Would that be a bad thing?”

_ What? Was he serious? No way. No fucking way..  _

_ Gon Freecss was... flirting?  _ With me?

_ Oh, fuck’s sake. Fuck’s sake!  _

_ Moreover, do I fucking reply? Would it hurt to?  _

I swallow, hard, pull the sleeves of my hoodie over my fingers. “N-no. I mean, so long as you don’t mind me saying you have a really fucking nice smile.”  _ The fuck did I just say?! I’m better at flirting for fuck’s sake! Goddamnit, goddamnit, why does he make shit so difficult?! _

“D-do I?” His voice shakes, slightly.

_ No going back now. . _ “Yeah. And your eyes!” I laugh. “Yours are warm, bright. Like the sun.” My elbow brushes against his arm on the table, deliberately and my tongue peeks out to wet my lips. 

“Yeah?” His voice is lower, huskier.

“Mmhmm.” I hum through closed lips, eyeing what I can of Gon up and down and hoping though he may not be able to fully see me, he can _ feel  _ me. Just like earlier.  _ Just like he did.  _ When I take the pressure off myself, when I stop thinking so hard about shit--it’s at this time I realize exactly how attractive Gon is. His sharp jaw and wide eyes, broad shoulders and  _ fuck I wonder what he looks like without a shirt? I mean, with all that training he has to do for football.. _

“Killua, I--”

I take a leap. 

“Gon, how many boyfriends have you had?”

“How many boyfriends has Killua had?” He’s quick with his reply, as if he’s got them on standby.

“I asked first.”

“So?”

_ Goddamnit _ . “Fuck off, Gon! I asked first, so you gotta answer first!” I insist.

“Says who?!” he fights back.

“Says common goddamn decency!”

“No!” he shouts.

“Yes!” And we’re leaning closer and closer towards each other, noses nearly touching and our legs are a tangled mess under the table. I can feel Gon’s hot breath across my face.

“No, I mean I’ve never had a boyfriend!” He shouts just as loud as he did before and I lose my steam at his words.

“Oh...” My voice trails off, eyes dipping down to his lips before coming back up to his eyes. “That’s a surprise.”

“What?”

I shake my head. “Your sexuality is your own business, but I’m surprised you haven’t dated a guy with how people, any gender or no gender, fall over you.”

_ He has to see it. I did.  _

Gon looks at a loss with this, skin of his forehead wrinkles and he shakes his head. “P-people don’t fall over me..”

I scoff. “Oh, come on, Gon! Don’t act so damn naive! You’re this school’s hero. You’re  _ Wonder Boy _ .” And the last two words slide off like velvet from my tongue

He narrows his eyes at me. “No, I’m Wonder Boy to  _ you _ .” He’s close. So close that if I moved, just a fucking little, I could--

I pull back, slightly.

“You’re Wonder Boy to  _ everyone _ , for fuck’s sake!”

“I don’t know what that means!”

I sigh, my hands scrubbing over my face before I rattle off a laundry list of shit. “It means you’re athletic, incredibly good looking--”

“You think I’m good looking?”

I push through as if I hadn’t heard him. “I don’t know much about your intelligence but seeing as how we shared classes last year, I won’t assume you’re an idiot. People love that shit, not just girls.”

“I.. I guess..” Gon shrugs, suddenly looking a little smaller in his chair.

“What I’m saying is, I’m surprised you’re not currently _ in _ a relationship. Or caught in relationship drama like the rest of these people. Maybe even with  _ multiple _ people--”

“I would never cheat on someone!” 

“Polyamory is an option,” I respond, cooly. 

He pauses, eyes drifting down my face. “Well, what about Killua?”

“What  _ about _ me?”

“Do you.. Are you..” He seems to be struggling for words and I understand what he’s trying to ask but  _ fuck him _ if he thinks I’m going to end his suffering with this. “Is Killua currently  _ with  _ someone?” He closes the distance, again. Eyes trailing back up to me and I pause.

_ Fuck.. _

“I don’t do relationships.” My words come slowly, my mind going through a variation of ways to explain my current predicament. _ Trying to get the fuck out of dodge and protect my sister so the last thing I need is to commit to something I don’t really need to involve myself in, anyway? Uh... _

“What  _ does  _ Killua do?” Gon continues to question me.

Deep breath. “I have sex with people.”  _ One night stands? One day stands? Fuck. _

“People?”

I know what he’s asking.

“Guys. Guys,  _ specifically _ ,” I relent.

“So, you're--”

“Gay. Yes.” I admit, feeling heat bloom across my face.

“Oh. Okay,” Gon says, as if I’d just told him what day it was. Simple. No questions, no disgust, no bullshit. There’s a certain comfort in that. Instant acceptance and validation. 

“Yeah.” My eyes trail down to my hands, fingers pulling at the sleeves of my hoodie.

“Killua?”

“Yeah, Gon?” My eyes trail back to him and he’s got this look in his eyes that I recognize only because I’ve seen it in the guys I’d slept with before.

“What’s it like? With-with men?”  _ Lust. _

And this is where things take a turn, where they seemingly escalate in a way I didn’t exactly foresee. Gon’s hand presses against my thigh, warmth spreading above my knee where he spreads his fingers. 

He pushes further, hand sliding up, my breath quickens and my heart begins to race. 

“Gon,” I warn him.

_ Is he really-- _

“Will Killua tell me?” His voice is low, breath is hot across my cheeks. My eyes flutter, closing when Gon’s fingers press against a certain hardening part of my anatomy. 

He pauses. My heart feels like it fucking stops.

  
“Is this--Killua, I’ve never--is this okay?” He stutters, nervously. 

I nod once, twice, three times. “Y-Yes, it’s okay. Keep going..” I breathe hard against him and I can hear him gulp.

Gon becomes brave, wrapping his hand around me over my pants and my breath stutters, temple falling against his cheek.

“F-fuck!” I groan when he rubs me up and down, slowly, experimentally.  _ Shit! Shitshitshit!  _ My hips move underneath him of their own accord. 

_ If Gon wants to know… I’ll show him. _

“L-let me..” I bite my lip, fighting off a moan when he palms me  _ just the right way.  _ My eyes blink open, hand trailing down and slowly wrapping around his. I stop him and use my free hand to reach for his thigh the same way he did to me earlier.

“Wha--oh!” He jumps when my hand reaches him, fingers slide over a denim clad erection. _ Fuck! He’s already hard _ . Gon’s breath comes out shaky and slow, his eyes burning into mine.

“Do you--is that--” 

Gon nods and his hips move like mine did, earlier. He doesn’t know what he wants quite yet but his body responds with its desires. He’s big, twitches under my hand and I smirk, can feel the tightening in my jeans. “Yeah! Yeah, like that!” He moans against me and goddamn I can’t resist pressing my lips against his. 

_ Soft. Warm. _

“Killua...” Gon whispers against my mouth and I don’t stop. My fingers close over his girth, putting more pressure, picking up the pace and he groans, low.

_ Fuck’s sake _ ...

“Killua, wait! S-stop, I want--I want..” He stutters against me and my pace slows, I wonder if I even want to make him cum in his pants. I know from experience it’s not exactly  _ comfortable. _

“What?”

“You said you’ve had sex before...”

My hand all but stops, completely. “Are you--”

Gon nods against my forehead, eagerly. “Yeah. Yeah, I want to”

“You won’t be able to--I mean, I’ll have to--”

_ He’s never had sex with a guy and there’s no way I’m going to fuck him for the first time at a high school party... If he... If he wants to, I’ll have to bottom. _

_ Fuck! _

“Please?” He pants against my mouth, fingers interlocking with mine while he’s still hard.

“Okay...”

**X-X**

We bypass the crowd inside like the horny teenagers we are, Gon having to shift and hide himself under his Varsity jacket. Luckily, no one is looking our way to begin with and we trail up the first flight of steps we find that lead to another floor of Machi’s home.

_ Oh god, oh fuck. What am I getting myself into?! _

_ No. No thinking. Just doing.  _

_ This isn’t the fucking start of a budding relationship, this is just… Fun. Yeah. _

_ Fun for one night and then I’ll forget, I’ll forget all about Gon Freecss and the way he smiles, the way he laughs… Just tonight. _

My wallet burns in the back of my pocket, knowing there’s a condom inside. But that’s not all we need, anyway. 

“Killuaaa!” Gon whines my name and I know he’s impatient as fuck to get this started but he’s inexperienced, he doesn’t  _ understand. _

There are three doors on this floor, the first one we try is locked, the second leads to a bedroom I assume is Machi’s because it’s pink and flowery like my sister’s.  _ We skip that one. _ The third is a bathroom.

_ Thank fuck! _

Gon is hot on my heels and my eyes search over the bathroom’s layout after turning on the light. A shower in the right corner, sink, mirror and small cabinet to our left and the actual toilet straight ahead of us. I move straight towards the sink, opening and going through the cabinet sink for the last item we need. _ Holy fuck, please have this shit!  _

I come up empty, only finding cleaning supplies and a bag of tampons.  _ Damnit. _

“Wh-what’s Killua doing?”

“I’m searching for..” My voice trails off when I raise myself up, pulling open a cabinet behind the mirror and laugh in surprise and delight. “This!” My hands snatch the purple bottle greedily before I hold it out to Gon. 

He squints, examining the expanse of the palm sized bottle “Lubricant?”

“Yeah, Gon.”

“What do we need that for?”

It’s at this point I wonder _exactly_ _how many_ partners he’s had.

“Gon, before we--I need to know if this is what you really want.” My sexual frustration was mounting but I just needed to hear it, again. That he  _ wanted _ this, that he was _ sure. _

“It is.”

“Sex?”

“Yes!”

My breath comes out shaky. “Come here, Gon.”  

He listens, stepping over quicker than I thought he would and he wraps an arm around my waist to press me against him. The other ventures up my back, along my spine and makes me shiver before coming up to cradle my neck. The lube is all but forgotten about when I near toss it into the sink. Gon’s eyes are dark, the brown swirling and they’re the last thing I see before he leans in and kisses me, again.

I apparently hadn’t taken the proper time before to appreciate Gon’s lips because  _ godfuckingdamn _ , they’re so soft. He teases me, tongue darting out to swipe along my lower lip to ask permission and I welcome him. 

My hands slide to the back of his neck, and my fingers dig into his hair. I mean it to be erotic but the move backfires when we stumble as he pushes me back and I get trapped in the fortress of hair glue.

“Ow! Killua!” Gon pulls back, wincing. 

“Shit, sorry! It’s not my fucking fault! Who uses this much goddamn glue?!”

“I already told you, it’s hair gel and not glue!”

I groan. “My hands are going to stick to your dick, Gon!”

Gon smiles in a way I haven’t seen before, it’s small and sly. “You say that like it's a bad thing.”

It makes my skin feel overheated. “Shut up and help me take your clothes off, Gon.” I snark in reply, pulling at his varsity jacket. And there’s a certain kind of pleasure when it falls to the bathroom floor in a heap around our feet.

Gon smiles down at me, biting his lip before doing the honors and pulling his shirt over his head for me.

_ Holy. Goddamn. Shit. _

I was right, earlier. Definitely right. 

Gon is fucking ripped,  _ shit is that an 8 pack? This dude could use his biceps to lift me! Fuck! _

“Killua..” Gon nods over at me, eyes hooded. “It’s your turn.”

He doesn’t let  _ me _ take care of it myself, he instead uses the tips of his fingers to slowly push me until my back hits a wall. They trail down from my chest to right above my jeans, his fingers slowly pushing under the fabric of my shirt and hoodie to touch my skin.

My heart feels like it might jump out of my chest, my breathing is so hard I think I’m fucking lightheaded and  _ fuck, fuck, fuck _ the tightening in my jeans is just _ painful. _

He spreads his hand over my stomach, tracing soft shapes into my skin for a moment before he uses both hands to raise my hoodie and shirt off in one quick move. 

He pauses, a stunned look on his face when he eyes my bare chest. “Ki-Killua, you have a really big bruise!” He half yells in a panic.

_ Oh. Fuck. How the fuck did I forget about the punch Illumi threw at me a few nights ago?!  _ The bruise he referred to spanned a few inches across my belly, black and purple and standing out like crazy against my pale skin. It was really fucking  _ ugly. _

“It’s sk-skateboarding, Gon. Shut up!” I lie, hoping my embarrassment comes off more at his accusation than the lie I’ve told about the reality of my situation.  _ Goddamn, what a mood killer. _

“Killua..” Gon stares at the offensive wound, I can see his throat contract when he swallows and a certain panic sets through me the longer he stares. But Gon just stretches his fingers along the expanse, covers it with his large hand.There’s a tightening in my chest at the move _. Fuck! _

“C’mere.” My hands pull him down, his hot mouth meeting mine and I trace over the smooth skin of his chest and stomach down to the button at his jeans. I pull in experiment and Gon kisses me harder. My hands makes quick work of his button and zipper before meeting soft cotton, I turn my face away when the need to breathe becomes too much and Gon lays an open and wet kiss on my cheek before making a line down to my neck and swirling his tongue. I curse below him.

I move the cotton aside and reach inside, breath hitching when my fingers wrap around silky skin.  _ Double fuck! _

“Oh, god, Killua..” Gon groans against me, breathing heavy against the trail of saliva he left and making me shiver underneath him.

My thumb swirls around the head, spreading the pre-cum and using it to pump him once, twice. 

“Killua!” Gon’s hand wraps around my wrist and I don’t know if it’s to stop me or encourage me. 

I smirk, removing my hand and pushing his briefs and jeans down his legs. I try not to stare when his dick pops out, smacking against his abdomen and my mouth goes dry.

_ This is going to require some fucking preparation. _

“S-sit down, Gon” I tell him, my voice cracking because Gon isn’t fucking giant but taking him in is going to require work on  _ his _ part. He’s unaffected by my private worry when he sits on the toilet lid beside us, kissing my abdomen and unbuttoning my jeans. He has them unzipped and boxers over my ass in seconds.  _ Oh, fuck. _

Gon stares at me, well not at my face, he stares at my  _ dick.  _

“Killua’s so pale, I thought--I thought you’d be pale down here too but you’re so.. Pink.” He eyes my dick like a difficult fucking math question. 

_ Are you there, God? It’s me, Killua. Your gay son. Fucking kill me. _

“Are you--what the--shut the fuck up, Gon!”

His gaze snaps back to mine and he has the audacity to look bashful. “Oh, no! It-it’s not a bad thing! I like it!” He pulls my jeans and boxers down to my ankles and I side step out of them, slipping my shoes off at the same time.

“Hold your fucking hand out before my dick shrivels!”

Gon listens, holding out his hand, palm side up and I squirt a generous amount of lube onto the tips of his fingers. He immediately spreads it around, eyes dancing around in wonder and he smiles like a kid in a toy factory.

“Wow, this feels really weird!” He _ ‘oohs’  _ over it and I’m close to leaving this fucking bathroom and jacking off somewhere  _ far away _ from Gon.

“Gon, please stop.”  _ This is the most awkward sexual encounter of my goddamn life. _

“Sorry, Killua! Wh-what do I do now? Where do I..”

“Hold on, fuck.” I realize I’ve forgotten the damn condom and bend to search through my pocket for my wallet, finding the plain black trifold easily and slipping the condom from a fold inside. I gulp when I come back up, staring Gon down on the toilet lid and knowing I’m going to have to sit in his fucking lap. _ Fuck!  _ A single thigh is like the size of both of mine combined, the sparse short black hair around his groin only making his dick stand out all the more. 

“Killua?” Gon looks up at me with eager eyes. My teeth grind together. 

I bite the bullet. Moving and settling my legs around Gon’s waist, he moves back to accommodate me. When his arms wrap around my waist, the most visceral feeling of being completely secure rocks through me, unnerves me and I bat that shit  _ very fucking far away. _

My teeth rip open the condom wrapper, fingers pushing the lubed up barrier up and out. I use one hand to remove it from the wrap and the other to pull the wrapper from my mouth. Gon watches on with wide eyes, finally silent. He follows my hand down and watches me roll the condom down his length, one of the arms around my waist pulls me closer but I stop it.

“Not yet.” My head shakes back and forth to say no. I take his lubed hand and pull it lower, spreading my legs wider and place them between my cheeks.  _ Breathe. Just breathe, relax. _

I push two of his fingers inside. Slowly.  _ Very slowly. _

“Th-that’s really tight, Killua! W-will I be able to fit?!” 

_ For the love of god, please, shut the fuck up! _

Gon pushes further without my help and I remind myself to breathe, remind myself not to clench and to relax under his prodding fingers as they probe deeper. _ Fuckshitfuck! _ My head falls forward, resting against Gon’s shoulder and grasping his bicep to fight off the pleasure. 

“Does that-- does that feel good?” He pushes his fingers faster, pulls them out and tries to find a sort of rhythm, twisting and curling inside me.

_ Fuckfuckfuck!  _ My toes curl and I’m moaning without meaning to, breathy and harsh moans against his skin.

“Killua, I-I want-can I--” He doesn’t explain further, opting instead to slow the pace inside me before stopping altogether and pulling out. “Are you okay?”

_ Fuck, shouldn’t I be the one asking him that? _

“Fine, Gon..” I reassure him, goosebumps breaking out along my skin

With the hand that was just inside of me, he grips himself and I guide him back to the same place. I have to shift over him for this to work and there’s a moment, when I’m settled just right above him and we lock eyes. 

I push down. The tip of his cock teases the hole of my entrance before slipping slowly inside. Just the head. 

“This is really tight! A-are you really sure I can fit?!”

My head falls forward, eyes closing in near resignation. “Gon, you are about to be balls deep inside of me. If you don’t shut the fuck up, I will murder you with my bare hands!”

_ Gon Freecss is making this the most un-fucking-liveable moment of my fucking life! _

But Wonder Boy finally listens.

There’s a sort of pleasure pain, a burning sensation coursing through me and Gon grunts, head falling against my chest when I continue to sink down on top of him.

I can feel him inside me, a weird full sensation. He doesn’t move for a few moments, and I take some time to relax and stretch around him. 

“Ki-Killua, c-can you go?” He half says, half moans into my ear and I move over him without thinking. 

_ Shit! _

We start off slow, the long drags feel agonizing. I can feel my bangs sticking to my forehead due to my sweating.

“This feels so-it’s so h-hot and t-tight!” Gon moans and he begins to move faster underneath me, pressing his hips hard against mine.

_ Goddamn, that feels good! _

My hands grip his back, fingers digging in and holding on tight while he bounces me up and down on his lap. When my eyes open, they wander down to watch Gon slide in and out of me, his thick and powerful thighs slamming against mine. It’s the single most erotic image of my life and I can’t resist touching myself. My fingers wrap around my length, thumb spreading the pre-cum at the tip of my dick and then Gon’s thrusting and I’m rubbing myself up and down.

Gon’s loud grunting, my breathy moans  and the sound of skin smacking together fill the enclosed space and my thighs are burning. 

“Ki-Killua!”

Gon continuously presses my body forward, hips pumping in a newfound rhythm with one hand resting on my hip to control the pace. He thrusts hard and hits a spot inside of me that makes me yell--

“Oh, fuck!”

“Did that feel good?” He thrusts in that same place in that same way a second time in experiment and I nearly give out from the sheer pleasure. 

In one swift move Gon lifts us both up, presses me against the wall beside us, never moving from inside me. He breathes heavy over me, resting his forehead against mine and my legs lock around his waist. He thrusts in the same way he did before.

“Fuck!” 

He doesn’t relent, thrusting inside me in that exact spot over and over again.“Killua.. Look. In the... mirror.” He rasps while my head is thrown back, eyes up at the ceiling trying to fight off my own orgasm when I feel the burning in my groin, moving under Gon and pushing him deeper inside me.“Does Killua like when I do that? Right there, Killua? Watch. Watch when I do it.” I don’t know how the fuck Gon manages to speak but every word is clear and turns me the fuck on. Everything taking a turn I hadn’t expected,  _ fuck Gon can talk dirty! _

His fingers pull my face down to him, turn my head and I see us in the mirror. Gon’s tall and large figure, dark skin gleaming. Pieces of hair falling into his face. And me.

My hair looks fucking wild around my face, pressed against my forehead and cheeks. My face is flushed down to my chest and my legs are wide open for Gon. I was wrong, earlier when I said seeing Gon inside of me was the most erotic thing in my life because  _ this _ is the most erotic thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

_ Jesus fucking christ! _

Gon makes me look, watching as he pumps himself inside me and my body moves along with him. But he watches, too. He moves his hand to pose beside my head, using nothing but his legs to keep me raised and against him, I watch in the mirror as he uses his free hand to come in between us and stroke me. My eyes close of their own accord when I feel his hand on me, breath coming out as a hiss through my teeth.

_ Oh god, I’m going to cum before Gon fucking Freecss! _

“Killua, I don’t-I don’t think I’m going to-to--” His pants turn to quick breaths, short and hot on my neck. He thrusts erratically, hand following along and I’m almost fucking right there with him. He moans my name loud in my ear and I can feel him pulse inside of me, thrusts slowing as he rides his orgasm through. 

“Killua, didn’t--”

“It’s okay--fuck! K-keep going!” 

My hand joins him and we work together, jacking me off until the pooling in my groin is too much, the strain in my legs. And I’m racing. Racing so fast to the finish line and Gon’s large and hot hand helps push me over the edge. _ Fuckfuckfuck! _ I clamp my mouth onto his shoulder, teeth digging in when I cum in hard spurts, not giving a single fuck some got on our arms or all over our stomachs.

We both slump forward, panting in exertion and I can’t remember the last time I felt so fucking exhausted. So goddamn blissed out. 

Gon kisses me, mouth open and messy and I hum into his mouth. He pulls out then, moving away so my legs unwind from around his waist. I feel like a fucking newborn deer, legs wobbling underneath me when I try to stand, my weight rests against the wall behind me. I know for a fact I’m going to be  _ sore as fuck _ tomorrow morning.

Gon flushes the used condom down the toilet. 

A certain air surrounds us suddenly, and I’m aware I no longer have any idea what the fuck to do.

I’ve had one night stands before. But nothing has felt quite like  _ this  _ and I don’t know why. 

Gon faces me, still completely naked and I can see the beads of sweat tracing down his neck to his chest.

“Killua--”

“I’m going to need you to put on underwear before you say anything else.” I interrupt, my eyes going directly down to Little Gon, though it isn’t little _ at all.  _ If my eyes don’t know it then my ass surely does. 

Gon laughs, skin gleaming, strands of hair falling over his face.  _ So his hair is not such an impenetrable fucking fortress.  _ He turns his back to me, squatting to pick up his underwear and jeans.

_ Jesus fucking Christ, this guy has no goddamn shame! _

I finally gain the strength to move, bending at the knees to pick up my own clothes. Gon comes over to help me, one hand on my waist and the other pulling my jeans over my legs. He uses a washrag hanging by the sink to clean the both of us up, it’s incredibly fucking intimate and makes me uncomfortable as fuck. 

“I really liked doing that with Killua.” 

“O-kay?” Gon holds my stare and I have to look away. My arm pushes against his chest and he takes several steps back with wide eyes. “Look, I-uh-I need to go find my sister. So.” I reach for my shirt and hoodie, throwing them over without casting Gon another glance.  _ Why.. The fuck... _

“Oh. Okay! I can go with you?” Gon offers, too quickly.

“N-No! No! That’s-it’s alright. I need to get her home, anyway. Our parents are gonna lose their shit if I keep her out too late so I--I’ll see you later, Gon.” I lie to him, again. Knowing full well I’m not fucking going back home, but to Moogs’. There would be no way of going back home that wouldn’t end in utter goddamn disaster.  _ But Gon doesn’t need to know that, anyway. _

“Okay..”

I wrestle my shoes on, half hopping towards the door before standing up straight and twisting the knob to get the fuck out. When I leave, I don’t look back. I’m too much of a coward for that. Nah, instead I throw my hood over my head and keep my head down, ignoring the loud yelling and music and suffocating crowd to look for my sister. I don’t spot her inside throwing back shots.

_ Thank fuck! _

Her laughter is clear when I step outside, she’s got her back to me with legs in the pool. Surrounded by several of her friends including Retz, Palm and some dude named Mel or something. 

I wipe my hands on my jeans, suddenly paranoid because I did not fucking wash them and god I probably reek of sex right now,  _ will she be able to smell it on me? Fuck, she better not be able to, she’s never even had sex! Right? Fuck, don’t go there. Now is not the time. _

It’s several deep breaths later before my feet move and make their way towards my baby sister.

“Hey, Alluk.” 

She turns, hair swinging and she falls over only to catch herself with her hands on cement. She laughs. “Brother! Hello, say hi to everyone!”

My brows furrow at the sound of her voice. When I come closer, I realize her eyes are slightly bloodshot, cheeks flushed. “Shit, Alluk, were you drinking?”  _ Damnit, she promised me she  _ wouldn’t  _ do this! _

She gasps, loudly. Hand going to her chest. “Wh-whaaaaaaat?! No! No, of course not, my lovely big brother!” She hiccups between, slurs her words and I sigh in frustration. 

My gaze shifts from my sister’s overly happy and flushed face to her friends. Retz with her blonde hair and blue eyes looks seemingly guilty and then away. My attention then focuses in on Palm, she fingers long black tendrils of hair before sighing and breaking down when my eyebrow quirks up.

“Okay, she drank a little bit!”

“Palm!” Alluka whines, hand flapping in an attempt to smack her friend in the arm but she falls wildly short.

“Fuck, Alluka!” I chastise, shaking my head back and forth. _ I told her this shit would happen, and fuck I wasn’t even around to watch her! _

Alluka makes a whining sound, reaching out towards me and cuddling my arm. “It wasn’t a lot brother! Jusssst a little bit. I pr-promise!”

I look down at her and she begins to hum against me, wiping her face against my hoodie. “You’re a goddamn lightweight then, you know that?” My affection comes through in my tone. Even though I want to be disappointed, angry with her, I can’t be. She’s young and she’s going to experiment and drinking at a high school party isn’t the  _ worst _ thing in the fucking world she could do. 

“She really is!” Retz suddenly pipes up with a chuckle, but she withers under my gaze and turns away. “Sorry...”

“Alright, come on, Drunk-erella. The clock has struck twelve, your pumpkin’s waiting for you.” My hands go around her back and under her thighs. I ignore the discomfort and weakness I feel below the waist and push through. 

“Are you my pumpkin, brother?” Alluka wraps her arm around my neck and rests her head on my shoulder while she bids her friends goodbye.

I snort, walking us out of Machi’s place. “Yes. I am your giant, orange pumpkin.”

“You won’t rot, will you?” Her words are slurred but there’s fear in her tone and my eyes roll.

“What? Do you know who you’re talking to? Remember when I was 9 and I ate all that candy and never brushed my teeth? Didn’t get a single cavity!” I show her my teeth, white and cavity-free as promised. She hums happily against me.

“I’m very tired, brother. And you smell. Why do you smell?”

The hair on the back of my neck stands on end.  _ Fuck. _

“It’s your upper lip, Alluk.” I deflect, trying to balance my sister and unhook the latch that locks the gates together before pushing it open and I’m greeted with a driveway of cars and grass that smells freshly watered.

“Th-that’s very rude.” She whines, poking me in the chest with her index finger.

“You can take a nap in the car, yeah? We’re going to Moogs’, we’re gonna see Pitou and Mer.”

“Pitou!” My sister lights up, head coming off my chest. “I’ve missed Pitou!”

“She’s not going to be happy when she figures out you’re drunk.” My tone is no nonsense because Pitou will definitely not have an attitude lenient as mine. I’m a sucker for my baby sister, she’s my weakness. But Pitou is a fierce mother and has no such issue. 

I quickly place my sister’s feet in the grass, opening my car door for her and helping her inside. I jog around and wince when I sit too quickly in the driver’s seat.  _ Fuck, yeah. Definitely gonna be sore. _

My baby sister groans, turns over in the passenger seat to face me and blinks blearily. Her hair sticks to her face and my fingers brush the strands from her forehead and cheek.  _ She needs some water. _

**X-X**

“Honey, we’re home!” my voice sing songs in a joke, cradling Alluka’s sleeping form against my chest. Mer and Pitou’s head turn at our arrivals, asses planted on the living room couch watching something on TV I don’t recognize, Moogs is sat on the floor between her mother and Mer.

“Yo!”

“What’s wrong with Alluka?”

Mer and Pitou greet us at the same time.

I shrug my shoulders, trying to be nonchalant as possible. “Nothing. She was being a silly teenager.”

Pitou wraps a shawl around her shoulders that she knit herself years ago, standing up and walking over to us with worry in her tone. “Vomit all over yourself kind of silly?”

“Nah. Tired and slurring your words kind of silly.”

Pitou nods, white hair like Moogs falling over her face when she looks down at Alluka in my arms. 

“Ah, so she didn’t drunk much, then.” Her voice is quieter up close, watching my sister sleep against me with a fond smile on her face.

“Nope! Thankfully, at least.”

“Here, go ahead and put her in Moogs’ room, I’ll get her a glass of water.”

“Yes, Nurse Pitou,” I tell her in half-mock, half-serious tone. And it wasn’t all for nothing because Pitou was, in fact, a nurse and worked odd hours. Lately she’d been working hours late into the night and the bags under her eyes were telling that the hours and her body were not exactly agreeing. 

Pitou smiles, real catlike, at me with blue-green eyes gleaming and nods towards Moogs’ room before she turns away. 

I could make my way through Moogs’ home with my fucking eyes closed if I had to. I’d been running through these halls since I was a pre-teen, making a mess in the kitchen and staying up late in the living room watching tv and pulling out the futon for me and Mer to use while Moogs and Alluk slept in her room. 

While Mer was already considered a future son in law by Pitou, there were still decency rules to abide by. He was allowed to sleep over, like me, but we weren’t allowed to be in Moogs’ room too late at night or fall asleep in there, Pitou would have our asses. 

I bend, laying my baby sister on one side of Moogs’ bed when she calls my name in a quiet voice.

“Yeah, Alluk?” I whisper into the dark, pulling her shoes off and laying them on the floor.

“Thank you for-for taking me to the party..” She hiccups through her words and my smile is soft.

“Don’t worry about it, baby sis.”

She stops me from leaving with a hand on my arm. “Did you have fun?”

_ Did I have fun? What a fucking loaded question.. _

_ If she knew what I’d done in Machi’s bathroom. _

I laugh without meaning to. “Yeah, I-I did. Actually.” 

“Kay. Love you.” She releases my arm and I pull back the covers underneath her to nestle her inside.

“Love you, too, Alluk.” My lips press to her forehead, pushing back thick bangs and breathing over her. When I turn, Pitou is already standing in the doorway with a glass of water. “Thanks, Pitou.”

“She okay?”

I step closer, hands going into my pockets when I meet her in the doorway. “Look’s it. But  _ you’re  _ the nurse.”

“I’ll take care of her tonight but tomorrow, she’s getting an earful,” she warns and I wince.

“Yikes!”

“And so are you, sir.” Her voice is stern, red polished fingernail pointed at my face.

“Wh-what?! Why me! I didn’t do anything wrong!”

Pitou shakes her head at me.“Very irresponsible to leave your sister alone at a party, you guys also came later than we expected,” she admonishes me and my cheeks flush.

“I was still being responsible by taking her out of the situation...” 

Pitou stares at me, blue green eyes just holding but it’s not a look that makes me shift. There’s familiarity and love in the way she looks at me, I know she sees me like her own son. She looks at me like she looks at Moogs, sometimes. 

She hums in thought, fists resting on her petite hips. “Alright, fine. You’re off the hook, this time. But to make up for all this, you’re helping me make pancakes in the morning.”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“I’ll take it from here, thanks, Killua.” She rests her hand on my cheek and pats it before sending me on my way. 

I get my ass out of dodge, knowing Pitou could change her mind and scold me for allowing Alluka to get drunk under my care. 

A part of me feels guilty, I was supposed to watch over my sister and that was the  _ last _ thing I did. I swallow, hard and remember to wash my hands before going back out into the living room. 

Mer’s still sitting on the couch and Moogs is half asleep on the carpet. Mer turns when he catches me move by the loveseat.

“‘Sup, man? How was it?”

I shake my head, ignoring the way my heart speeds up at the thought of lying, again. “Pretty chill. Nothing too exciting. How was Youpi?”

“Aw, dude! He was fucking incredible! Little dude killed it!” Mer boasted, a proud smile on his face. The glow from the tv made his dark skin look a mix of blue and green.

“It really was something, you would have loved it, Kill.” Moogs pipes up from the floor and I step over her, remembering to sit down carefully on the couch.

“Yeah? Tell him congrats from me next time you guys see him.” 

Mer doesn’t nod or say anything in acknowledgement like I expect him to. Instead, he says--

“Yo, why the fuck do you smell like sex?”

I give him a look like he’s crazy, like he’s full of shit. “Fuck you, Mer! It was all those goddamn sweaty ass high school students!”

“Real defensive for someone who smells like sex.” Moogs knocks her hand with my legs beside her and I groan.

“I fucking hate the  _ both _ of you.”

“Aw, come on, Kill! Give us the dirty deets!” Mer knocks shoulders with me, busting my fucking balls.

_ I’m going to fucking die. This is my grave.  _

Mer and Moogs spend half the night making sex jokes, at my expense. My face is painted red for hours. 

They don’t pressure me to tell them who it was.

* * *

 

A/N: Here's some really rad art to go with this chapter, as well from the BB and the wonderful Pavelchekov on tumblr! [Here](https://softkillua.tumblr.com/post/161442455743/pafelchekof-my-veeery-late-contribution-to)


	5. HIATUS

**H I A T U S**

 

Dear readers, this has been a long time coming but I've been too ashamed and afraid to say it. CSM is officially on Hiatus. I want you all to know I AM NOT ABANDONING THIS STORY! There are kinks throughout I want to work through, and I've been battling extreme depression to boot which makes doing anything very difficult. Thank you so much for reading this story and loving it. I want everyone to know I have NOT given up on Wonder Boy and Killua. I'm going to come back to this story with more fervor than before, it's going to be extended, as well since I was on a timeline for the BigBang, initially. I can not give an official date as to when new chapters will come up (this story will actually be revamped so it's likely all chapters currently written will be deleted) but believe me when I tell you that new chapters will come. I love this story, I love it's characters and their relationships, I love it all. I will not walk away from it. Thank you for your continued support, and trust that CSM will be back before you know it. 

**SEE X YOU X NEXT X TIME**


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